Pressing on Toward the Goal

Dealing with Despair

2011-09-01T14:49:00.003-04:00

Check out this sermon by Paige Benton Brown called "When Despair Invades Gospel Work: Learning from Elijah". It's also a great sermon just to listen to when dealing with your despair in general.

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/resources/name-index/a/Paige_Benton_Brown

And at the end she quotes Joni Eareckson Tada:

"Jesus didn't pass me by. He didn't overlook me. He answered my prayer, and He said, "No," and I'm glad. A "No" answer has purged sin from my life. It has strengthened my commitment to Christ and forced me to depend on his Grace. It has bound me with other believers. It has produced discernment. It has disciplined my mind and taught me to spend my time wisely. It has stretched my hope, increased my faith, and strengthened my character. Being in this wheelchair has meant knowing Christ better--feeling His strength every day...The Lord brought me here that I might thank Him for the wiser choice. The better answer. The richer path."

The Inmost Heart- From The Redemptive Pursuit

2011-08-09T14:37:00.001-04:00

Hello Blog Readers!
I am a contributor to a series of devotionals for women called The Redemptive Pursuit. If you would like to receive our once weekly devotional in your inbox sign up here.

This is my first devotional from the series.

The Inmost Heart

Scripture:
"Behold, You desire truth in the inner being; make me therefore to know wisdom in my inmost heart."
-Psalm 51:6 APM

Reflection:
Since it is Lent, I have been thinking about the contrast between Palm Sunday and Good Friday. As Jesus entered Jerusalem on a donkey the Sunday before His crucifixion, the crowds shouted praises acknowledging Jesus as the Messiah from the lineage of David:

"Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted, 'Hosanna!' 'Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!' 'Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!' 'Hosanna in the highest!'" - Mark 11:9-10 NIV

And then, six days later, the crowds shouted that they wanted Jesus to be crucified:
"'What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?' Pilate asked them. 'Crucify him!' they shouted. 'Why? What crime has he committed?' asked Pilate. But they shouted all the louder, 'Crucify him!'" -Mark 15:12-14 NIV

This got me thinking, how am I similarly two-faced toward God? In what ways do I praise God with my mouth, acknowledge Him as my Savior and my Provider and then turn around and crucify Him with my behaviors and my actions?

My pastor is often saying that you can intellectually believe something but until "the penny drops" there is no way to know if you believe it in the depths of your heart. What we believe in our "inmost heart" (Psalm 51:6) is revealed through our behaviors.

I am an actress. After performing in a play recently, I received an unflattering review. I was devastated. There, in print for all the world to see was someone's opinion that I had not done a good job. And even though it was someone I did not know personally nor had ever met, their criticism rang truer in my ears than God's truth that I am fully loved by Him.

I know intellectually that God loves me. He calls me His own. Because Christ has paid the price for my sins, God looks on me the way He looks on Christ. He sees me as His beloved daughter in whom He is well pleased. If the creator of the Universe has this view of me, then the criticism of other people should be easy for me to take. It should not devastate me. And yet, it does.

The truth of God's complete love for me has not been worked into my "inmost heart."

Getting my actions and attitudes to match God's truth is going to be a process. But it starts with recognizing the disparity that exists within my very self. Every time I become aware of a way that my actions are not matching up with what I know to be true about myself or God, it is an opportunity to repent and be made new.

Thomas Chalmers says, "The only way to dispossess the heart of an old affection is by the expulsive power of a new one." The only way to get rid of my desire for the approval of others is to replace it with the knowledge that I am approved of by God. God loves me not because of anything I have done on my own accord but rather because Christ has paid the price for me to have it. He took on the separation that was caused by all our sin, a cosmic disapproval, so that we could be approved of for eternity.

If I allow the beauty of that kind of love and sacrifice to work itself into my heart, then my two-faced nature will begin to fade. The deeper I grasp the full weight of the love that exists for me from Christ the more my actions and my faith will intersect.

Prayer:
Lord, we praise you with our mouths for what you have done for us, but our hearts are hard towards you. We say we believe you are in control of our lives but we spend time consumed by our worries, fears and anger. We say we believe you love us, but we look to others for approval. We say we want you at the center of our lives, but we push you to the periphery. Reveal to us the areas in which we are not living out of your Truth.
Forgive us for our hypocrisy and help us to know your wisdom in our inmost hearts. Help us to be so captivated by your beauty for us that our actions and attitudes flow from a place of love for you.

Psalms for the Depressed and Afflicted

2011-08-09T14:33:00.001-04:00

Got this list of psalms from a class I'm currently taking. If you are feeling depressed or afflicted, give these a read. The bold ones are considered to be particularly valuable.

Psalms for the depressed: 6, 13, 18, 23, 25, 27, 31, 32, 34, 37, 38, 39, 40, 42, 43, 46, 51, 55, 57, 62, 63, 69, 71, 73, 77, 84, 86, 90, 91, 94, 95, 103, 104, 107, 110, 116, 118, 121, 123, 124, 130, 138, 139, 141, 142, 143, 146, 147.

Psalms for the afflicted: 22 44, 55, 71, 73, 79, 88, 102, 109, 118, 123, 124, 130, 139, 141, 146

Where's the Joy?

2011-07-23T12:36:00.002-04:00

"Joy comes from seeing the complete fulfillment of the specific purpose for which I was created and born again, not from successfully doing something of my own choosing. The joy our Lord experienced came from doing what the Father sent Him to do. And He says to us, "As the Father has sent Me, I also send you". "

-Oswald Chambers- My Utmost for His Highest

You Will Be Clean

2011-07-22T10:59:00.001-04:00

"For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws. Then you will live in the land I gave your ancestors; you will be my people, and I will be your God." - Ezekiel 36:24-29

I love the promises in these verses.
He will bring us back into our own land, our true home.
He will make us clean, cleansing from us all impurities so that we are fully sanctified.
He will give us a new heart.
He will remove the heart of stone and make it a heart of flesh.
And He will put his Spirit in us.
We will be His people and He will be our God.

Amen.

Love Right There

2011-05-09T05:56:00.003-04:00

There are days when God feels far away even though I know in my mind He is not. Yesterday was one of those days. But I went to the park and I listened to this song and suddenly God felt much closer. This song always reminds me that nothing I can do can make me lose God's love. It's always there even when I falter and fall. His love sustains and is always present even when I can't see it or feel it.

You Cannot Lose My Love by Sara Groves:

You will lose your baby teeth.
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You will lose a lot of things,
But you cannot lose my love.

You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose,
You cannot lose my love.

Endless Want

2011-04-19T21:45:00.003-04:00

The Redemptive Pursuit devotionals this week featured an amazing piece by Laura Ziesel on endless want.

Check it out here: http://t.co/BpOKsbO

If you like what you see you can sign up to receive the devos on a weekly basis here:

http://eepurl.com/dcev-/

Weekly Devotionals for Women

2011-03-29T21:03:00.002-04:00

Hello Readers!

I and a few other lady friends including will be starting a series of women's devotionals that will be sent out on a weekly basis. They will be sent out beginning Monday. If you would like to receive them in your inbox you can sign up for them here:

http://eepurl.com/cWPGM

You can also visit our website here:

http://www.theredemptivepursuit.com

And follow us on twitter here:

http://www.twitter.com/RPDevotionals

Spirit Filled

2011-03-08T21:48:00.002-05:00

"To begin praying for the operations of the Holy Spirit is not simply a matter of scheduling more time for it! We have to repent for the reasons we haven't been praying for them. We must reflect on biblicl passages, recall the strongest works of the Holy Spirit in our lives and consider the lives of men and women in history or the present that show us what the Spirit can do in a human life. We have to stir up a vision in our minds and a passion in our hearts for what the Spirit can do in us, and then pray with energy and endurance for the Spirit to come."

-"Prayer" A Bible study by Tim Keller

Your Clay Pot Assignment

2011-03-06T14:24:00.005-05:00

"And why have I called you for this work?...I called you by name when you did not know me. I am the Lord; there is no other God. ...Destruction is certain for those who argue with their Creator. Does a clay pot ever argue with its maker? Does the clay dispute with the one who shapes it saying, 'Stop you are doing it wrong! ' Does the pot exclaim, 'How clumsy you can be!'" -Isaiah 45:4-5, 9 New Living Translation

I came across these verses this morning and it spoke to me about how much of a mental complainer I often am about the assignment God gives me. Whether it's a long term assignment like the job I am holding for a season or a short term assignment like the way I am forced to spend my weekend doing chores I'd rather not, I often find myself frustrated by the tasks I have to complete.

But these verses remind me that God created me. And because He created me, He's the best one to dole out the assignments.

When the potter sits down at his wheel, he knows if he is molding the clay into a pot to carry water, a pot for decoration, a cooking pot, etc. The clay is being shaped by its creator for the purpose it will serve.

In the same way, I am being shaped by my Creator. My view of the purposes and plans God's has for me are confined to the past and present of my life. They do not take into account a Creator who stands outside of time and sees how my life intersects with the others He has created to unfold His plans for all time. And the more I try to live my life grumbling and moaning about the assignments He has given me for the here and now the more selfishly I am living. The more I am living outside of the design He has for me. And the more I am, essentially, arguing with my Creator.

And who am I as the clay to argue with the Master Potter?

P.S. Original photo link here.

Pastor Tim Keller on the Current Political Scene

2011-02-22T16:09:00.003-05:00

Pastor Tim Keller on MSNBC on demonization in the current political scene and how it stems from idolization.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

And

his article "Backlash and Civility" about the current political atmosphere and where we should stand as Christians:

http://www.redeemer.com/news_and_events/newsletter/?aid=191

Practicing the Practical

2011-02-01T16:48:00.004-05:00

I have been reading through Proverbs this week and it has been incredibly refreshing. I have always gravitated toward the Psalms when I just flip my Bible open but reading through this book has reminded me how much practical truths can inform the things I believe which in turn informs my attitude and my behavior. Some that stuck out to me on this read through (all in New Living Translation)

"Your own soul is nourished when you are kind, but you destroy yourself when you are cruel."

-Proverbs 11:17

"A worthy wife is her husband's joy and crown; a shameful wife saps his strength."

-Proverbs 12:4

"Those who control their tongue will have a long life, a quick retort, can ruin everything."

-Proverbs 13:3

"Each heart knows its own bitterness and no one else can fully share its joy."

-Proverbs 14:10

"We can make our plans but the Lord determines our steps."

-Proverbs 16:9

"A cheerful heart is a good medicine but a broken spirit saps a person's strength."

-Proverbs 17:22

"Beginning a quarrel is like opening a floodgate so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."

-Proverbs 17:15

"Haughtiness goes before destruction, humility precedes honor."

-Proverbs 18:12

"A fool is quick tempered but a wise person stays calm when insulted."

-Proverbs 12:16

P.S. Winter can end now please. :-)

"Loving Into Lovability"

2011-01-18T15:36:00.005-05:00

I was reading this blog post by John Piper called "Consider Loving Someone Into Lovability" where he discusses that God justifies His people as righteous before they demonstrate any goodness. God loves them and then, after such love, their heart is changed.

Piper then poses the question, "Can we do the same? Can we, by God's grace, love someone into lovability?"

What a difficult task. It's so much easier when someone is hard to love to just walk away. It's so much easier to make our relationships consumer like and avoid those are not very fun to love and serve.

When I read Piper's blog, two things came to mind:

First, if God looks upon me as now sinless because of the sacrifice that Christ has made, it means He also looks upon the person I find difficult to love as sinless perfection as well. Those I am frustrated or angry with are perfect in God's eyes. They are made in His image. They have been perfected by Him and His sacrifice. If we are both on the same plane in God's sight, then finding myself superior to someone is not a possibility. And if I do not feel superior in any way to that person, they become much easier to love.

The second thing that I thought of was how very gracious God is with us. We find it so difficult to love those around us who we feel don't "deserve" our time, effort and energy and yet we are unphased by the amount of sacrifice that has been poured into us when we were considered unlovable. We are so hard hearted that we look upon Christ's blood and sacrifice as cheap. Christ believed that in our totally depraved and sinful state, we were worth dying for. Yet we have difficulty extending grace, patience and love to that family member who is overly opinionated. To the checkout lady who we feel always gives us attitude. To the friend who always complains.

We know that love is supposed to be sacrificial but we often find it harder to make the small day to day sacrifices of loving those we find "difficult" than to make big sacrifices for those we feel are serving us well.

But the more we meditate on 1) our lack of superiority because of the Gospel and 2) the abundant Grace that has been given us by Jesus, hopefully(!) the easier it will become.

Warrior Women

2011-01-05T10:59:00.002-05:00

The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper
suitable for him."
-Genesis 2:18

A friend of my husband’s asked us if we would be willing to host a Bible study using our church’s study entitled Sex, Singleness and Marriage. It was a seven week study that unpacked some of the baggage surrounding all of these topics and, undoubtedly, brought up a lot of questions while it was answering others.

One of my favorite things that I learned, however, was regarding the above verse. I had perused several marriage books/articles/sermons about this verse and the verses surrounding it and listened to various opinions about what it all meant. What does it really mean to be someone’s “helper”? And am I only supposed to be a “helper” if I’m married? And frankly, being a “helper” sounded a bit boring.

From the Redeemer study:
“The English word “helper” is, unfortunately, a rather weak word. It connotes an “assistant”—
someone who is less capable and who simply runs errands and does menial tasks. However, the Hebrew word “ezer” is used in the Bible almost every other time to describe God himself, in a military context. For example in Deuteronomy 33:29, we read: Blessed are you, O Israel! Who is like you, a people saved by the LORD? He is your shield and helper and your glorious sword. Your enemies will cower before you, and you will trample down their high places. All the citations of “ezer” (helper) in the Bible (including this one from Deuteronomy) illustrate that a helper is someone who helps out of strength, to fill up a need that is lacking in the other. And the Bible’s consistent use of “ezer” with a military reference has led to a consideration of women as warriors working alongside men to bring about God’s kingdom here on earth....

“For example, a broad interpretation of v. 18 is that:
God created the woman to be a warrior alongside the man in advancing, God’s kingdom throughout the earth. This is every woman’s calling, regardless of her age, marital status, or circumstances. Every woman is an ezer from birth to death. We are warriors for God’s purposes alongside our brothers in Christ. (Carolyn Custis James, The Gospel of Ruth, 211)”

If “every woman is an ezer from birth to death” then I should be a warrior for all of the men in my life. My husband, my brother, my father. The men in my life and at my church.

Around the same time that we were going through this study, I was reading through The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. It made me think that the greatest way I can be a warrior for my spouse and the other men in my life is to be a prayer warrior. To take very seriously my role and responsibility as someone who is to be fighting for them…. And to fight with prayer.

I’m now trying to develop a habit of praying for the men of my life with a warrior mentality. With a mentality that acknowledges that part of the reason I was created is to fight for them in the battle of life because they need the support of their warrior wife, daughter, sister, friend.

They need the support of an Ezer.

(P.S. The picture is of Joan of Arc.)

Grateful

2010-08-10T23:18:00.003-04:00

Its been so long since I’ve written I feel like I’ve gotten a bit out of the habit. But I’m on what feels like quite a long train ride (um, seven hours) from New York to New Hampshire (yeah, I don’t know why it is taking that long either) and the scenery is pretty gorgeous.

I don’t really have anything poignant and important to say.

But as I sit here and I listen to my music and I watch the beautiful, amazing green trees roll by in Vermont I’m just grateful.

I’m grateful because I know God Loves me.

I’m grateful because I in moments of great blessing (like now) and moments where the blessings aren’t so abundant, He is there.

And I’m grateful because He is Home.

He is Peace and Contentment.

He is Beauty and Love and Hope.

He is the key to my Joy. And yours.

I’m grateful for Christ.

I’m grateful for what He has done for my sins.

I’m grateful for my husband and my marriage, my friends and my community, my family.

And I’m grateful because God wastes nothing.

I’m grateful because the wrong things in the world will be made right.

“You will go out in joy

and be led forth in peace,

the mountains and hills will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree,

and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.

This will be for the Lord’s renown,

for an everlasting sign,

which will not be destroyed.”

-Isaiah 55:12-13

That’s all.

Redemption Vs. Perfection

2010-06-24T15:28:00.003-04:00

Beth Moore on how an imperfect past need not burden us:

"We put a higher premium on redemption than perfection."

The Man Who Has Left All

2010-06-22T10:51:00.004-04:00

"The only man who has the right to say that he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ."- Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

I read this quote in the book I'm currently reading, Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper, which I would highly recommend. You can download and read FOR FREE. You can read any John Piper book for free at his website. Here's Don't Waste Your Life:

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/onlinebooks/bytitle/1593_Dont_Waste_Your_Life/
But be warned, it will probably make you evaluate all of your selfish motivations for any of your life/career pursuits.

Complacent Comfort

2010-06-18T15:32:00.009-04:00

"I am the true Vine, and my Father is the Husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he will take away, and every branch that beareth fruit he will prune, that it may bear more fruit. You are already clean, on account of the word which I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abide in the vine, so neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the Vine, you are the branches. He who abideth in me, and I in him, beareth much fruit; for without me you can do nothing. If any one abide not in me, he shall be cast out, and wither as a branch; and men shall gather it, and cast it into the fire, and it shall be burned." -John 15:1-6

I went to London to do a show and I had a hard time. I missed my husband. I lost my passport. I was around all new people. And I wanted to be home. I wanted what was comfortable. I wanted what was safe. I wanted what I knew. But while I was there, while I was uncomfortable, boy did I pray. I made sure I not only spent time with God but that it was focused, that it was attentive, that I was talking to Him about all of my needs, my concerns, my worries and my fears.

And then I came home. And since I got home, I have been coasting. I'm back to what is comfortable. I'm back to what has an illusion of safety and security. I'm back to not being dependent on God every moment because this illusion of comfort around me makes me feel like I don't need to ask God to help me in all of the details of my day. It deceives me into believing that things here at home are in control and that I have some control over them. As long as I do A, B, and C then D, E, and F will happen.

But when I'm not really pressing in to God, as the verses above demonstrate, I can do nothing. I can bear no fruit. How awful a thought. I can spin my wheels all day long of my own accord thinking I'm going somewhere and thinking I'm accomplishing something. But if I am not abiding in the Lord, if I am not dwelling with Him then my actions will bear no fruit. They are pointless. Because they are for myself. They are self focused and self motivated.

So, I need to be abiding not in my comfortable circumstances but in the True Vine.

I need to fully acknowledge that in my sinfulness and selfishness, I cannot bear any fruit in my day unless I abide in God and in His grace He uses me.

I cannot bear any good thing unless I am in Him.

Nothing.

Nothing can I bear on my own.

That thought should help remove the illusion of comfort. Knowing that nothing good can come without Him should be enough to move me out of a place of compalcency and into a place of Love. A Love that will result in service and not sloth, in passion and not apathy, in peace and not restlessness.

Here's to pressing in, pressing on and pressing upwards.

Paige Benton Brown Video- "But My Coward Heart Fears to Give Up Its Toys"

2010-06-10T14:42:00.005-04:00

Found this video of Paige Benton Brown talking about "The Responsive Heart". You have to fast forward through the first bit to get to her.

In the end she quotes the following prayer by A.W. Tozer:

"Father, I want to know Thee,

but my coward heart fears to give up its toys.

I cannot part with them without inward bleeding,

and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting.

I come trembling, but I do come.

Please root from me heart all those things which I have cherished so long

and which have become a very part of my living self,

so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there with-out a rival.

Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine it it, f

or Thyself wilt be in the light of it,

and there shall be no night there.

In Jesus' Name,

Amen."

But On What Is Unseen

2010-05-04T10:11:00.003-04:00

I had to write a devotional for Gotham Fellowship on a passage of my choosing. Thought I'd share it here.

Reading: 2 Corinthians 4:16-5:5

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

John Calvin’s Commentary on 2nd Corinthians 4:16

"Though our outward man. The outward man, some improperly and ignorantly confound with the old man and others restrict it entirely to the body; but it is a mistake, for the Apostle intended to comprehend, under this term, everything that relates to the present life. As he here sets before us two men, so you must place before your view two kinds of life — the earthly and the heavenly. The outward man is the maintenance of the earthly life, which consists not merely in the flower of one’s age, (1 Corinthians 7:36,) and in good health, but also in riches, honors, friendships, and other resources.

Hence, according as we suffer a diminution or loss of these blessings, which are requisite for keeping up the condition of the present life, is our outward manin that proportion corrupted. For as we are too much taken up with the present life, so long as everything goes on to our mind, the Lord, on that account, by taking away from us, by little and little, the things that we are engrossed with, calls us back to meditate on a better life. Thus, therefore, it is necessary, that the condition of the present life should decay, in order that the inward man may be in a flourishing state; because, in proportion as the earthly life declines, does the heavenly life advance, at least in believers but without anything to compensate for it. In the sons of God, on the other hand, a decay of this nature is the beginning, and, as it were, the cause of production. He says that this takes place daily, because God continually stirs us up to such meditation. Would that this were deeply seated in our minds, that we might uninterruptedly make progress amidst the decay of the outward man! "

Reflection:
Two things hit me good about this passage.
The first one I discovered through Calvin’s commentary on it. Calvin says that the “outward man” is referring to every part of our earthly life on this earth. Not just to our health and bodies, but to our “riches, honors, friendships, and other resources.” Our careers, our relationships, our status, etc. But then Calvins says that the Lord takes these things away from us “by little and little, the things that we are engrossed with” in order to bring us back to meditate on a better life. And therefore, it’s NECESSARY for these things to decay in our life, for them to pass away, for them to not satisfy or even to totally disappoint us in order that our inward man to “be in a flourishing state.”
The second thing is the phrase “Therefore we do not lose heart.” The New Living Translation of this phrase is “That is why we never give up.”

If I truly grasped the idea of how temporary this life is, if I truly understand that it was the building block of a life to come then I would THEREFORE “not lose heart.” What logical argument. This life (what is seen) is temporary, the Kingdom to come (what is unseen) is eternal and THEREFORE we just don’t lose heart. We do not allow the things of this world that we see to discourage us.

Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray that you will show us how to fix our eyes on what is unseen. I pray that you will help us to focus far beyond ourselves and so much on the Beauty and Sovereignty of who You are and the promises of the Kingdom to come that we will not lose heart. I pray that we will experience being inwardly renewed day by day as the things around us that are not meant to satisfy us continue to waste away. You are telling us these things will waste away so I pray we will not be surprised, bitter, anxious, sullen or fearful when they do but instead we will fix our eyes on what is unseen. That we will fix our eyes on what Jesus did on the Cross for us and that this example of Love will be the catalyst for our not losing heart.

P.S. Photo by tanakawho on Flickr.

Supremely Satisfied

2010-04-15T15:12:00.005-04:00

Listened to this by John Piper today:
(Full text is here: http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/AskPastorJohn/ByTitle/3419_Why_does_God_allow_Satan_to_live/

"Why does God allow Satan to live?"

"The Bible doesn't answer why directly, so we have to go on inferences. But here is my best shot:

God has ordained that Satan have a long leash—with God holding onto it—because he knows that when we walk in and out of those temptations, struggling both with the physical and moral effects that they bring, more of God's glory will shine in that battle than if he took Satan out yesterday.

There will be evidences of God's patience with us and of his mercy towards us as we struggle with sin. And there will be evidences of his sustaining grace as we go through horrific physical suffering that Satan was the immediate cause of (as it says in the Bible: "This woman . . . whom Satan bound for eighteen years" [Luke 13:16]. She had this bent-over back, and Satan was doing it, and God was ordaining that he be allowed to do it). God ordains all of these things so that his glory—his mercy, justice, grace, wisdom—would shine more brightly....

Perhaps the other thing I should say is that he sent his Son right into the middle of this satanic warfare. It was Satan that put it into the heart of Judas to betray him. So Jesus exposes himself to the horrors of Satan's deceit and lies and murder—"He was a murderer from the beginning . . . [and] a liar" (John 8:44)—and dies, in order to make a public display of the principalities and powers in his defeat of them (Colossians 2:15).

There is more glory that will come to Jesus Christ by his suffering to destroy Satan than by powerfully shooting Satan in the head. And there is more glory that will come to Jesus Christ by our sharing in the sufferings of Christ—holding onto his supreme value—than if we had been able to say, "Satan, Depart!" and never have another problem.

And I think the reason for that—this is my ultimate final answer—is that the glory of God and Christ shines more brightly when we are seen to be supremely satisfied in Christ in spite of Satan's torments, rather than if we had his torments removed and liked Jesus because of it.

It's when you love Jesus in spite of Satan's torments and through them that his glory shines most brightly, rather than when we have life made easier for us by Satan's removal and we like Jesus because of it. " -John Piper

Listening to this got me thinking, as always, about whether or not I really love Jesus for Jesus sake. Do I love Him because He has poured out His blessings upon me or do I love Him truly for His own glory regardless of what that means for how privileged and blessed I am in this lifetime? If everything was taken from me, like Job, if I had no family, no husband, no stability, no career, no income, no opportunities would I really love Jesus? Probably not. I get fairly pouty with Him even when things are inconvenient.

Thank God for grace. I don't have to love Jesus perfectly and maybe I never will in this lifetime. But, it is not my love for Him that saves me. It's His for me.

"My faith is like sinking sand, changed by every wave.

My faith is like sinking sand, so I stand forever on grace."

-Caedmon's Call

Please Read

2010-03-08T13:09:00.007-05:00

Dear Friends,
Last year in March, I went on a mission trip to the Village of Hope Orphange in Morocco where a group of Christians took care of orphaned Moroccan children and raised them as their own.

Today, I received the news that the Moroccan authorities are forcing these foster to leave the country and abandon the 33 children they care for.

Please pray and spread the word. Feel free to cut and paste the below email I received from the Village of Hope. These children are being taken away from the only parents they have ever known. They are being taken away from foster parents who have moved to Morocco and completely devoted their lives to caring for these children.

Thank you.

Lauren

March 08, 2010

Village of Hope News

Dear friends,
We have just been called together by the authorities and told that all 20 foreigners at VoH must leave the country. They have not told us how long we have left, but it will be between 1 and 3 days. The reason given is that the abandoned children in the care of VoH have been proselytised to by us, that we are trying to make them Christian. This is despite the fact that we have always been open about our faith to the authorities, and for 10 years they have allowed VoH to take in and foster children abandoned by this society, children who would otherwise be killed or placed in state run ‘mega’ orphanages.For us we leave friends, memories, hard work, but we leave with our children William and Samuel. For others it is not so easy. 33 children have just been abandoned again by the actions of the Moroccan state. Their foster mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers, must now leave them in Morocco and return to their home countries. These 33 children have never known another mother. Some of them have been here for 10 years, since the start of VoH.

One of the older children just said to Tina, ‘Why couldn’t I have real parents’. Watching the children be told by their parents that they had to leave, that they would maybe never see them again, is the most painful thing I have ever witnessed.

Feel free to circulate this to everyone you know, churches, media, officials, MPs, everyone. This is a shame and a disgrace to the leaders of Morocco. They will answer to God.Please pray for the children of Village of Hope, and for their parents and foster siblings who they must now farewell. And underneath are the everlasting arms.

Yours faithfully,
Chris Broadbent Chris BroadbentHuman Resources ManagerVillage of Hope/Village de l’EspéranceAin Leuh, Morocco.p: +212 650 731 307 f: +212 535 569 183 e: kiwimaroc@gmail.com m: BP1124, Ain Leuh 53050 Maroc w: http://www.voh-ainleuh.org/
MoroccoVillage of HopeB.P. 1124Ain Leuh 53050MOROCCOWebsite: http://www.voh-ainleuh.org/Email: village@voh-ainleuh.org

"Love to Pray"

2010-02-08T10:05:00.004-05:00

"My secret is very simple: I pray. Through prayer I become one in love with Christ. I
realize that praying to Him is loving Him. In reality, there is only one true prayer, only
one substantial prayer: Christ Himself. There is only one voice that rises above the
face of the earth: the voice of Christ. Perfect prayer does not consist in many words,
but in the fervor of the desire which raises the heart to Jesus.

Love to pray. Feel the need to pray often during the day. Prayer enlarges the heart
until it is capable of containing God's gift of Himself. Ask and seek and your heart
will grow big enough to receive Him and keep Him as your own.

We want so much to pray properly and then we fail. We get discouraged and give
up. If you want to pray better, you must pray more. God allows the failure but He
does not want the discouragement. He wants us to be more childlike, more humble,
more grateful in prayer, to remember we all belong to the mystical body of Christ,
which is praying always."

-No Greater Love by Mother Teresa

P.S. Photo by tanakawho on flickr.

The Idolatry of Being Known

2010-01-15T12:39:00.008-05:00

Last weekend I went on a retreat with the Gotham Fellowship. And as I was sitting in a small group of women discussing my desire to have relationships always be comfortable and family and friendships feel always close (obviously not good or realistic) , one of the women said to me, "It sounds like a desire to be known."

As soon as she said it, I knew that she had hit the nail on the head.
And as soon as she said it, I immediately became frustrated.

I saw a play last year (Uncle Vanya) and one of the characters performed a monologue about how she despearately needed the man she was pining away for to see her because then he would love her in spite of the fact that she was physically not as attractive as another woman he was falling for.

I later self righteously proclaimed (to multiple people) that the monologue had struck me because she had such a desire to have a man see her, to have a man know her in order to be fulfilled. And that I was so glad that I (being so obviously sophisticated in my faith, just kidding) only needed God to see who I am, to know who I am.

And then, almost exactly a year later, I realize how deeply I was blind to how deep such a desire ran in my own heart to be seen, known and heard by all of those around me. And how I put that pressure onto them.

Sure it's nice in theory to say I only need God but really, come on, who was I kidding? I needed PEOPLE! People to make me feel loved and appreciated but most of all, I needed people to make me feel KNOWN.

Later, though, I knew God was telling me:
'I do know you.
I do see you.
I know you better than you know yourself.
I know you better than you can even begin to articulate yourself to another person.
And that is enough. To be known by Me is enough.'

And so now, I just need to internalize that truth in such a way that it changes what I believe about myself. And that changes everything. It changes the way I live.

Because if God knows me, sees me, gets me and loves me...
If He sees all the ugly thoughts and selfish motivations and everything and loves me..
Then I really don't need anyone else for approval or comfort.

Just another example of how much freedom the Gospel can bring.

"O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. "

-Selections of Psalm 139

Free Tim Keller Sermons

2009-11-20T13:27:00.007-05:00

Um, the last time I blogged I was Miss Lauren Hines. I am now Mrs. Lauren Gill.
More on that later.

For now though, Redeemer has 150 FREE Tim Keller sermons online HERE:
http://sermons2.redeemer.com/

Go. Go now. Get it.

Annnnnndddddd.... one of my personal favorites just in case the list of 150 is a little overwhelming for you:

Praying our Fears:
http://sermons2.redeemer.com/sermons/praying-our-fears

P.S. Photo by Catherine Leonard Photography. More photos to come!

Coming In Out of the Wind

2009-09-08T22:58:00.006-04:00

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up in each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind. We can only do it for moments at first. But from those moments that new sort of life will be spreading through our system: because now we are letting Him work at the right part of us. " C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I've been feeling a lot lately like my joy is completely circumstantial. When praying the 3 prayers by J.D. Grear at one point a couple of weeks ago, I caught myself on this one:

"God, Your Presence and Your approval are all I need to have joy today."

And as I was praying it I stopped because I didn't believe it... at all. Not for one second did I believe that God's Presence and Approval were the only things that I needed to have joy. What do I think I need?

Well, I felt pretty certain that my joy was dependent on peace in my relationships, not being bored at my day job, good forward movement in my career, not getting indigestion at lunch....etc. etc.

My joy was based on circumstances. My joy was (and is most of the time) not based on the knowledge that the Creator of the universe Loves me. Not on the knowledge that I have been made fearfully or wonderfully made. Not on the knowledge that each day belongs to the Lord and He has me exactly where He wants me to be in any given moment.

It's usually based on, as Lewis points out, if my expectations are being met. If my "wishes and hopes" for my day, my work, my relationships, my life are being fulfilled or dashed. Because the screaming of all my wishes, hopes, expectations and complaints are far easier to listen to than the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit that calls me near to my Lord.

But in order to believe that prayer- "God, Your Presence and Your Approval are all that I need to have joy today"- I have to shut the other voices up. I have to turn my expectations for what I want over and let each day, each moment be what God wants it to be. If my wishes and hopes for something aren't being fulfilled I have to relinquish those things and trust that God knows what I need better than I myself know.

And once I silence those voices, those expectations that lead to my frustrations, anxiety and bitterness when my day doesn't go the way I want it to, perhaps it will feel like truly, "coming in out of the wind".

God, Your Presence and Your Approval are all I need to have Joy today.

Not happiness.

Not comfort.

Not perfection in all of my circumstances.

But You are all I need to have Joy today.

Culture Making

2009-08-31T23:02:00.007-04:00

Just finished listening to a talk by Andy Crouch that was assigned to us for the Gotham Fellowship. He discusses culture making, influencing culture, changing it...

And he starts by saying that culture changes when people make more culture.

He admits this is a "painfully obvious" observation. But then Crouch points out that the way Christians have tried to change culture is by:

1) Condemning and/or protesting the culture that already exists

2) Analyzing it and trying to copy and replicate it within their own subculture

3) By consuming it. Crouch says even a motivated group of consumers can't change what is offered for consumption by consuming what they would like to be influential.

Crouch:

"The only way culture changes is when we get involved, get our hands dirty and make some more of it. And our neighbors by the grace of God say, 'That's intriguing. That's good. I'd like to try that. I'd like to spread the word about that.' That's when culture changes.

Which is both exciting and slightly pressurizing because this means that the ball is in our court to change things... right?

P.S. Photo by Leslie Talley.

"For What We are Worshipping, We are Becoming"

2009-08-04T09:13:00.001-04:00

“A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshipping we are becoming.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jesus Loves Me, This I Know

2009-07-23T21:59:00.005-04:00

When people find out that I am engaged after having dated someone for four months, there is a spectrum of responses that range from “Oh my goodness was it love at first sight?!” to the skeptical raised eyebrow and “Well, are you sure this is the one?” I have yet to figure out how to gracefully respond to either query nor do I really know how to deal with the range of responses in between.

So I was thankful when I heard this while listening to the Tim Keller marriage series the other day:
“Therefore what the Bible means by love is a commitment. At some point love is a decision to serve somebody and be committed to somebody regardless of your feelings and regardless of how that person acts…. At some point, you make a decision- I am going to love this person. Your feelings will always come and go but the problem is a lot of people don’t get married because they are sure that if this person is ‘the one’ that my feelings will never ebb. If this is ‘the one’ then I’ll just know it’s ‘the one’ because I’ll never have any problem. I will always feel like giving myself to that person. You will wait ‘til hell freezes over if you wait for that. Love is an action first that leads to feelings not a feeling that leads to an action.”

It’s difficult for me to internalize that the love I am given is not conditionally based on my performance as a fiancé/wife (which is good, because my track record stinks). But if it was or if my love for my fiancé was based on their track record then I can see why only being with someone for a few months is not enough time to establish that record. If my feeling of love is conditionally based on how you treat me then of course a few months of you treating me well is not enough time to decide to make a lifetime commitment. So I guess I understand their skepticism.

But what if marriage is not that? What if marriage means that even when I am being a terrible selfish person (which I will be because I’m human) that you still choose to love and commit to me? And what if marriage means that when you are being a terrible selfish person (which they will because they are human) I will choose to be committed and loving to you?

But what is truly overwhelming is that is what Jesus does every day. And even though I will never perfectly love someone, Jesus perfectly loves me when I am selfish all the time. I am His and He is mine. And every day He holds up His end of the bargain even when I fail again and again. That’s capitalized Love. Every day I choose not to prioritize Him. I choose not to Love Him. I choose not to serve Him. And some days I even curse Him to His face. And yet, there is nothing I can do today to make Him love me any more and nothing I can do today to make Him love me any less.

I think I am only beginning to experience the tip of the iceberg of what it really means to be unconditionally loved by my Savior.

And it’s kind of overwhelming.
And beautiful.

P.S. Photo by Megyn Barroner

Song of the Day

2009-07-15T16:06:00.003-04:00

The House of God Forever by Jon Foreman is my new song obsession:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uoXWIK1lfyo

"God is my shepherd.
I won't be wanting.
I won't be wanting .
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams.
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me.
You are with me .
Your shepherd staff
Comforts me .
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy .
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever."

Love it.

Internalize That

2009-07-09T10:39:00.003-04:00

"We will never have a challenge [Christ] can't empower us to meet. We will never have a need He can't fill. We will never have an earthly desire He can't exceed. When we allow Christ to be all He is to us, we find wholeness. One piece at a time. Every time you discover the reality of Christ fulfilling another realm of your needs and longings, His name is written on a different part of you, and you are that much closer to wholeness."
-Beth Moore

Amen.

Weight vs. Joy

2009-06-24T11:41:00.008-04:00

It’s amazing to me that during such an exciting time where you are about to entire a God-glorifying union the ways Satan tries to get you to focus on so many other things to keep the focus off of how grateful and how joyful you should be. And its amazing to me how easily influenced I am that I let him succeed. There are so many circumstances/frustrations/people/thoughts being used to steal joy. And what is most frustrating is that it’s my choice to let those things steal my joy, to encompass me with distress/anxiety/despair. And that I have such an infantile sense of God’s goodness and such a lack of discipline in my prayer life that I let these things steal my joy away. I let them send me into fits of frustration and worry.

So thankful for this reminder from Laura (which she has given me permission to share) which puts me in my place about what a gift God has given me in this man who will be my husband and how truly undeserving I am of anything I receive and how abundantly good God is to me:

“One thing I was thinking: I hate those comments from people (that are inevitable) that I see you've already been getting. The "You deserve it!" comments. The truth is, there is no better time for lies to creep into your heart against your knowledge than during engagements. And that is one of those lies you have to fight your darndest. People mean well, but the truth is, you don't deserve it. It is a gift. God is good. But none of us deserve these beautiful relationships we're in with family, friends, or lovers. It's so apparent, quickly, in marriage how selfish and wretched we are, and how we don't deserve love from one another. So, fight those lies. Oh, they'll come from even your best friends. But, fight them. All of a sudden you'll feel yourself feeling entitled to something and you'll realize that all of those lies society says about brides are working their way into your heart. Your wedding will not be perfect, in the true definition. If your goal is a perfect day, disappointment will follow. You won't be able to keep everyone happy with decisions you make. Your engagement will not be all roses and butterflies. Coming together is messy and don't be afraid to let people see that.”

If my attitude is anything other than a complete and total understanding of the fact that God has gifted me with this person, then of course attitudes of disappointing others, dealing with wedding criticisms, and nitpicky wedding planning nonesense will steal my joy because Satan has gotten me to focus on the minor details and inconveinces of life instead of the major blessings that God has imparted on me.

Again reminded of Beth Moore saying:

"We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-aborbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies."

Is stressing over a wedding color an authentic tribulation?

Hardly.

Is freaking out over not having someone on the guest list an agony?

Not quite.

Is being fearful at the awkwardness of family interaction on my wedding day necessary?

No.

Laura was right to warn me of this trap. Our society has created an atmosphere where brides are encouraged to total self absorption and I'm already being tempted in that vein by evidence of the fact that I am so easily frustrated by the minor details of a day instead of the major detail of the miracle God has worked in my life. The miracle of God bringing two of His sinful children together in a holy union to glorify Himself.

Praise be to God.

P.S. Photo by Leslie Talley.

Engagement

2009-06-16T11:54:00.008-04:00

With engagement comes wedding planning.
With wedding planning comes the chaos.

Chaos= IneedtopressinalittlemoredeeplytotheLordtopreservemysanity.

Thankful for these prayers by JD Grear which I am trying to pray every day to keep me focused on what I need to be-not my fiance, not my wedding, not my friends, not my guest list, not my family, not my flowersdresscolorsschemebridesmaidphotography. No, no. But I need to be focused on my Lord.

-"God, your presence and approval is all I need to have joy today." (His Sufficiency)

-"God, because I am in Christ I know there is nothing I can do today that would make you love me any more, and there is nothing I have done that makes you love me any less." (His Unmerited Love and Grace)

-"God, everything the gospel tells me about your intentions for my life is TRUE." (His Goodness.)

You can read the entire article here:
http://theresurgence.com/greear_staying-centered-on-the-gospel

P.S. Photo by Murph Holder.
P.P.S. October 24th is the date. :-)

Recent Developments

2009-06-08T13:28:00.001-04:00

1) Got into the Gotham Fellowship
2) Will be doing three shows this summer
3) My brother is interning at NASA
4) Oh yes.... and I got engaged.....

Stir My Heart

2009-06-01T16:00:00.009-04:00

If time were ever to wear You away

And circumstance should bind me

If age should bring a Dark Night on my soul

If fear and doubt should blind me-

Please stir my heart

Take me back to the fire

And bring to me recollections of Joy

And renew my first desire

-"Stir My Heart" by Sara Groves

What a great prayer.

(P.S. Went to the botanical garden this weekend... these roses were my favorite. Happy June!)

Elder Brotherish Entitlement

2009-05-28T15:42:00.005-04:00

"For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened."
-Romans 1:21

This weekend, someone confronted me with the truth that my fears surrounding the past and the future were the result of a real lack of gratitude for what God was doing in my present.

WHAT?! I’m totally grateful AND thankful. Come on.

But then when I got to thinking about it, when I really evaluated it, I realized that I have a pretty serious attitude of entitlement. When I looked at my thoughts, they were totally gross… I believed that I was deserving of my blessings. Because why? Oh, well, because I’m a pretty good person. And because I deserve beauty for ashes in my life because I have followed the rules, right?

Wow. How convenient that that kind of attitude makes me my own savior so that every blessing that comes my way is either 1) something I deserve because of my performance or 2) not quite good enough because I think I deserve something a little better.

"In her novel Wise Blood, Flannery O' Connor says of her character Hazel Motes that 'there was a deep, black wordless conviction in him that the way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin.' This is a profound insight. You can avoid Jesus as Savior by keeping all the moral laws. If you do that, then you have "rights". God owes you answered prayers, and a good life, and a ticket to heaven when you die. You don't need a Savior who pardons you by free grace, for you are your own Savior." -The Prodigal God by Tim Keller

In the story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32), there are two sons. The younger one takes his part of his fathers inheritance and squanders it on “wild living” and then returns to his fathers home, asks for forgiveness and is welcomed with open arms.

The elder brother responds to his fathers compassion in the following manner:
“Look! All these years I've been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends. But when this son of yours who has squandered your property with prostitutes comes home, you kill the fattened calf for him!”

Hmm… that sounds a little familiar…

And T. Keller points out in his book The Prodigal God that those of us who are “elder brothers” (ahem, LAUREN) are just as depraved and fallen as the “younger brothers” but that it is a more dangerous trap because we are so blinded by our own self-righteousness. Instead of replacing the need for a savior with “wild living” to fill our emptiness, we have replaced it with our performance, by our law keeping, by living our lives as “a good person.”

So hopefully taking a good hard look at my own depravity and at Jesus as the one who has saved me from that will shake loose my attitude of entitlement.

And hopefully losing my attitude of entitlement will result in a deeper attitude of gratefulness for my blessings in the here and now.

P.S. Photo by Leslie Talley.

Mountain Moving

2009-05-14T09:40:00.003-04:00

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
-Mark 11:22-25

My thoughts on prayer are constantly being challenged but this week I am starting to realize that I, embarrassingly, don't pray for things if I think that they can't be accomplished or achieved. I have faith that prayer can be answered on a local level. I have faith that the prayer for your needed job or your friend’s ailment can be accomplished through prayer. But as far as my prayers affecting something on a global level.... as far as prayers that can really move mountains... well, I am realizing how much I lack the faith for that.

Once again, I have put too much emphasis on myself instead of the object of my faith. The object of my faith (Jesus) has defeated eternal death and suffering. He has defeated the ultimate Evil. Why shouldn't the object of my faith be able to defeat the suffering and evil that exists in this world?

But instead of focusing on any of that when I pray, I am focusing on how inadequate I am as someone whose prayers should be answered.

When we sussed the above passage (Mark 11:22-25) out in Bible study we realized Jesus is saying for our prayers to move mountains there are some things that have to be in place:

1) I have faith in God. (Not my own "prayer" abilities.)
2) I can't doubt. I must believe in my heart that it will happen.
3) I must not hold anything against anyone but must forgive them so that...
4) God in Heaven can forgive my own sins.

And I have seen God move mountains. I have seen and experienced amazing miracles in my own life and a miracle is a miracle. It is something that was impossible that God has made possible.

If God has given beauty for ashes in my local community, why would I doubt that He could do it on a larger scale? Why is the healing of brokenness for an entire place or people more intimidating than what I have already seen and felt Him do in own life and the lives of those around me?

Well, it shouldn't be. Time to put a little more focus, again, on the object of my faith who has moved mountains of sin and death and take the focus off of myself and my own inadequacies.

Completion in Christ (A.K.A The Opposite of Self-Sufficiency)

2009-05-05T23:27:00.014-04:00

Since feeling convicted that I need to get my mind under control, I have been overwhelmed recently with how negative most of my thought process is. The things I say to myself are far crueller than anything I would ever say to anyone else. I am not truly grasping that my identity is not in myself, my performance or my appearance but in that of Christ Jesus (Galatians 2:20).

Recently saw Sight and Sound's production of Behold the Lamb. When Jesus went walking on the water and then called Peter to come out on the water to Him, Peter starts out fine, then sees the wind, freaks out and sinks. (Matthew 14:25-32). And in the show, Jesus says to Peter when He pulls him out of the water, "You did so well until you took your eyes off of me." (And cue Lauren's tears.)

I'm realizing how much that is my issue lately. I have taken my eyes off of Jesus completely and focused them on myself. All of my inadequacies. All of my brokenness. All of my failings. Lauren. Lauren. Lauren.

But the object of my faith (Jesus) is consistent, good and loving even when my faith is constantly shaken by the whispers of the Enemy in my ears.

"This is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with Him yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth." -1 John 1:5

If lies of darkness are dominating my thoughts, that cannot be of God for God is light. In Him there is no darkness. There can be pain and suffering in Him but it is a pain and suffering that exists with Hope. And if I am walking in darkness and consistently living out of the lies that are being spoken to me, I cannot claim to truly be in fellowship with my God. I have become reliant on myself for my identity.

So tonight I reread Henri Nouwen's Life of the Beloved. What a blessing of a book. My favorite passage that shines light into the darkness:

"We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us. That's the truth of our lives. That's the truth I want you to claim for yourself. That's the truth spoken by the voice that says, ' You are my Beloved.'

Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my center words that say: 'I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have molded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover and your spouse... yes, even your child... wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one.'"

(And cue Lauren's tears... of joy.)

P.S. Photo by Leslie Talley.

With All Your Mind

2009-04-24T16:26:00.005-04:00

"The LORD said, 'Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.'

Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind.

After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake.

After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire.

And after the fire came a gentle whisper.

When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
-1st Kings 11-13

When I was in Morocco, I was completely amazed at how clearly I heard God’s voice.

It’s no secret that New York City is a highly distracting place. In order for God to get my attention amidst all the socialization/ activities/ auditions/ shows/ bills/ relationships/jobs/ etc. He would have to use a great and powerful wind, an earthquake or a fire.

But in these verses, God didn’t speak to Elijah that way. He spoke to him in the “gentle whisper” after all of the natural phenomenon.

Jesus should not have to come to me yelling and screaming in order to get my attention. He expects me to get rid of all the distraction and confusion until there is nothing before me but Him. And then, I will hear Him.

But I'm starting to see that although New York City is full of distractions, some of the greatest ones are the ones in my mind.

At Bible Study the other night, we discussed this passage where Jesus is questioned as to which commandment is most important:

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: .... Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’” - Mark 12:29-30

It was the first time I realized that how poorly I love God with all of my mind. I had always thought that this verse was about loving God from an "intellectual" standpoint by studying Him and His precepts. But I am beginning to see that loving God with all of my mind means by getting my mind under control. If I fully love the Lord then my mind is not supposed to be a runaway train with all of my insecurities, fears, anxieties, worries. Those are things that shouldn't be there.

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." - 2nd Corinthians 10:5

I'm sure that this will be a life long process of disciplining my mind with His help. But, I am thankful that I am starting to see that loving God with my mind is a choice that needs to be made. A choice to demolish arguments and pretensions that set themselves up against the knowledge of God.

If I am fearful, the knowledge of God is that my God is Loving, Consistent and Sovereign.
If I am anxious, the knowledge of God is that I can cast my cares on Him in prayer to be anxious for nothing.
If I am insecure, the knowledge of God is that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by His hand.
If I am doubtful, the knowledge of God is that He will help me with my unbelief.

Amen.

Song of the Week

2009-04-17T15:51:00.010-04:00

"So proud and excited that I by myself
Had reached such a lofty place.
I took the last step towards my ultimate goal
But clumsily fell on my face.
I opened my eyes only to find
I was back at the place I'd begun.
Helpless and broken, I strained and cried out,
“Surely the enemy has won.”

But I felt His peace that passes understanding,
Grace that is never ending,
Love that overflows my soul.

As I wallowed in self pity,
He came to sit with me there.
His presence alone was so rich and so deep
It chased away all my despair. I said,
‘Lord please forgive me for my prideful heart,
It sneaks in before I know.'
He said, ‘What prideful heart?'
He forgave and forgot
He said, ‘How I want you to know…

My peace that passes understanding,
Grace that is never ending,
Love that overflows my soul.' "
-"Testimony" by Sara Groves

Usually, I am not claiming His peace to keep me from worry or fear.

Or I am wrapped up in my own failures and imperfections and I'm not experiencing His grace.

Or I believe He is holding out on me and I am not experiencing His love.

Good thing when that happens I "clumsily fall on my face" so that I can stop relying on myself. And start relying on Him.

Happy Friday. And Happy Spring!

P.S. Photo by tanakawho from Flickr.

But You Would Have None of It

2009-04-09T15:33:00.008-04:00

“Dress down your pretty faith.
Give me something real…”

-"Awakening" by Sara Groves

On Monday, my Bible study group looked at the contrast between Palm Sunday (which was last Sunday) and Good Friday (tomorrow). As Jesus enters Jerusalem on a donkey the Sunday before His crucifixion, the crowds shout praises that show they acknowledge Jesus as the Messiah and from the lineage of David:

"Those who went ahead and those who followed shouted,

"Hosanna!"

"Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!"

"Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David!"

"Hosanna in the highest!""
-Mark 11:9-10

And then, six days later, the same crowds shouted that they wanted Jesus to be crucified:

"What shall I do, then, with the one you call the king of the Jews?" Pilate asked them.
"Crucify him!" they shouted.
"Why? What crime has he committed?" asked Pilate.

But they shouted all the louder, "Crucify him!"

-Mark 15:9-12

Which got me thinking, in what ways in my life do I praise God with my mouth, acknowledge Him as my Savior and my Provider and then turn around and crucify Him with my behaviors and my actions?

Well, I was confronted again this week that I crucify Jesus with my actions by my incredible lack of trust. How appropriate that as we celebrate Holy Week, I am again coming to terms with the fact that I praise Jesus and acknowledge His Sovereignty with my mouth all the while playing out my fears, my anxieties and my worries in my mind. My words say “Hosanna in the highest!” and in my solitude, my thoughts are saying “Crucify Him”. My thoughts are saying that He is not Sovereign over my circumstances or He is not really good to me. My thoughts say He is holding out on me.

“This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says:

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,

in quietness and trust is your strength,

but you would have none of it….

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;

He rises to show you compassion.

For the LORD is a God of justice.

Blessed are all who wait for him!”
-Isaiah 30:15, 18

It hit my gut pretty solidly when I read that “in repentance and rest” is my Salvation “but you would have none of it” because that is exactly what is happening right now. The Lord longs to be gracious to me. But I will have none of it. The Lord longs for me to rest in His Sovereignty, His Consistency and His Love and I cling to my worries, my fears and my daymares.

I must find salvation in repentance of my fears and rest in His Goodness.
I must find strength in quietness of my mind and trust in His Sovereignty.
I must wait on the Lord for He longs to be gracious to me.

Hope you are having a good Holy Week.

Servanthood: Role vs. Identity

2009-04-03T10:28:00.015-04:00

No more my God, I boast no more

Of all the duties I have done.
I quit the hopes I held before,

To trust the merits of Thy Son.

-"I Boast No More" by Caedmon's Call

Since I've been back from Morocco I have been supremely frustrated with all of the tasks that have to be accomplished that seem mundane/silly/useless. Sending out fliers to industry contacts about my latest show hardly seems as important as putting a roof on a clinic for a children's orphanage.

And so with this, I'm starting to realize that my perspective on service is really out of whack. My thoughts about service have been very much about what the world considers "worthy" service or "God's" service.

But something about seeing couples dedicate 20 years of their lives to move to the middle of nowhere and raise children that they could not adopt has, ironically, inspired me to be more invested in the industry that I am in. If I am in the arts in NYC right now for "a time and place such as this", then I should be doing it. I should be committed to that for the service of the Lord. Why does helping with Navigators (a Christian organization) feel like more Godly service than acting? Because the reward is more affirming to my ego. Ouch.

Peter (our team leader in Morocco) had us read the story about Jesus washing the disciples feet and then he asked us to consider:

*When is being a servant a role you put on for a while? And when is it your identity?

And then he pointed out this which, I will warn you, is painful:

"Most of the time we are frustrated/annoyed/vexed by a situation because we walked into it not to serve but to be served."

So how much less frustrated would I be if I walked into every situation just to serve? But who has the energy to serve all the time?! (Besides random crazy parents who committ twenty years of their lives to raise children in Morocco?)

I remember that because we were constantly serving and giving in Morocco in such physically exhausting ways, I constantly had to take time outs to go refill with the Lord. The amount of reliance on God when I was there was so much more than what I do here.

But why is that? If I can only serve for the Lord when I am being filled by the Lord, what makes me think that I can have an attitude of service in New York City without pressing into Him every moment of every day?

Probably arrogance.

Or foolishness.

Or an attitude that doesn't treat every assignment I get as something that must be done for my Lord.

An attitude that makes "being a servant a role I put on" instead of an identity.

Time for a change.

I'm sure it will be slow in coming.

Let the Streets Resound with Singing

2009-03-26T10:21:00.008-04:00

When I first decided to go on a short term mission trip to Morocco, I’ll admit that I thought there was something arrogant about a group heading to a foreign country and thinking they could have a significant impact being there for a small amount of time. Sure, we were going to learn things… to grow our hearts for countries and cultures less fortunate than our own… to give NYU students an alternative spring break opportunity...etc, etc.

I realize now that my attitude really spoke volumes about how I put limits on the things I felt God could accomplish. So the arrogance was all mine. I am incredibly thankful that God used my time in Morocco to show me that He is not a wasteful God. He would not send 30 people on a trip in His name without using them while they were there to accomplish great things. And although I think I knew that, my definition of “great things” needed to be changed.

Perhaps my definition of “great things” should be expanded to include the smiles of children, the grateful tears of relieved adults and revelations through prayer that God is working in the lives we touch. Perhaps “great things” includes getting a roof built or a room painted or knowing that praying over a child means that God will bless and protect her as she grows. And, perhaps, “great things” includes the moment I look back on the last year of my life and see God’s Sovereign hand in every detail of it.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

So is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
-Isaiah 55: 9-11

I was floored by this passage and the promise that the rain and snow coming from Heaven do not return to Heaven without not only watering the earth, but also making it bud and flourish. And that rain not only makes the earth bud and flourish but it ALSO provides seed for the sower and bread for the eater.

Several months ago, a friend told me “God wastes nothing”. But it was not until this trip that I truly grasped that promise through these verses. God doesn’t waste groups of 30 people going to a foreign country to serve. And God does not waste anything else. He does not waste my struggles, my hurts, my brokenness, or even my sins. None of that is wasted. All of that will not return to Heaven until it has watered the earth and made it bud and flourish. And not just bud and flourish, but until it has blessed the people around us as well. It will not return to Him empty.

So thankful for this verse.
And so thankful that I can live in the freedom of knowing that the specific details of my story (and yours) will not be wasted in this lifetime.

It will not return to Him empty.

Esther Lessons

2009-03-12T00:01:00.011-04:00

I am sad that tomorrow is the final day of my Esther Bible study by Beth Moore. It has been such a lovely study for the last few months as I have transitioned from one phase of my life into the next. And Tuesday, crazy enough, was actually the second day of Purim, the holiday that commemorates the deliverance of the Jewish people from the hands of Haman as recorded in the book of.. (drumroll please)... Esther.

So, in honor of Purim, Esther and transitions here are five of my favorite Esther reminders:

1) God is specific. I am always so tempted to look at what seems like a series of random events in my life and say, “Wow, what a coincidence.” But when I’m reading the story of someone else’s life, someone like Esther, it’s obvious that none of those things are coincidence but that God plots things out specifically in our lives to take us down the roads we need to go down. It’s just a little easier to see it when it’s someone else's story.

2.) Some things are worth losing face over. When Mordecai, Esther’s cousin/adopted father, finds out that the Jewish people are to be annihilated, he “tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly." (Esther 4:1) He saw no need to save face. He saw no need to keep the mask on and pretend that something did not need to be done. He was at the ultimate point of vulnerability because he knew that the cause he was weeping over was more important than any pride that he would hold on to by pretending not to be in need. There are moments when God needs me to be vulnerable. There are moments when God needs me to put aside my pride and be open to the possibility of hurt/rejection/judgement of others because something greater is at stake.

3) Moments that feel insignificant may be the biggest piece of my puzzle. Mordecai told Esther that she was not allowed to sit pretty in the palace and watch her people be annihilated. She may have been created for this very moment, for a "time and a place such as this". (Esther 4:14) Certain moments in my life feel like assignments that could have no divine significance. But when I look back (as Esther did) I can see that God placed me in that moment because He needed me to be there.

Beth Moore said: "At strategic times of internal war I stop and ask myself, 'What if this is a critical moment? What if this very thing, this very decision, is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose?'"

4) There are simple inconveniences and there are authentic tribulations. Mordecai sends a message to Esther who lives in the palace that she must speak to the king in order to stop the annihilation of the Jewish people. Esther sends a message back saying that would put her life in danger (in other words, "Sorry, I can't help.") and Mordecai sends ANOTHER message to her telling her "Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape." (Esther 4:13). Ouch. Then he tells her that she could have been created for this very moment.

Beth Moore makes the point that perhaps Esther's life had become so privileged as a queen that she was completely detached from the needs of her people who were condemned to die: "If we distance ourselves long enough from real needs, we replace them with those that aren't. Pretense becomes the new real and suddenly a delay in the delivery of our new couch becomes a terrible upset. We are wise to force ourselves to keep differentiating between simple inconveniences and authentic tribulations. The more detached and self-aborbed we become, the more we mistake annoyances for agonies."

5) "If I perish, I perish." (Esther 4:16) Esther went before the king knowing that doing so was risking her life but she knew that her life was not her own and she did it anyway. The greatest battle has been fought and won by my Lord and Savior. Death's sting has no power over me. If I fail/hurt/am rejected/go broke/lose my life, so be it. I do not have to live this life in fear of those things because I do not even have to fear death.

Happy Purim.

P.S. Photo by tanakawho from Flickr.

P.P.S. Two Days until Morocco.

Freedom

2009-03-04T12:05:00.004-05:00

Psalm 30:1-3, 11-12

I will exalt you, O LORD, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me.

O LORD my God, I called to you for help and you healed me.

O LORD, you brought me up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing to you and not be silent.

O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.

Amen.

(P.S. Nine days until Morocco. )

(P.P.S. Photo by tanakawho from Flickr.)

The Halfway vs. the Full Way

2009-02-28T14:55:00.006-05:00

"Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I Do not be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out,"Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"- Matthew 14:25-32

I was confronted this week with the knowledge that I was living as if I believe God does things halfway. Jesus says "Come" out on the water, take a risk, trust me, follow me and believe that I have your best interest in my perfect design. So I take that step. I get out of the boat. And then when I am standing on the water, I start doubting/ freaking out/ thinking that He's brought me out here and he's going to let me drown. (Which if I did, that would be okay, right? Because "If I perish, I perish.")

But He has never let me drown yet. He always reaches out His hand and catches me. Although rarely does being "caught" look like what I thought it would. Maybe I wanted to be caught by a nice embrace and instead He tackles me in a fishing net and throws me over His shoulder. But He doesn't let me drown. And while I'm struggling around in that net on His back, kicking and screaming, I am growing in my trust and my love for Him. I am growing in my belief that God is Sovereign, Consistent and Loving. I am growing in my faith.

I saw a production of "The Winter's Tale" recently and at one point one of characters says "It is required you do awake your faith."

God does not do things halfway. He has not covered my sin halfway. He does not only heal me halfway. He does not keep His promises halfway. If He calls me to do something, He will not expect me to figure out how to get there on my own, He will provide the means.

When I am fearful of drowning, it is required that I do "awake my faith". It is required that I make a decision to be faithful and not to doubt until my story is written... until my story is completed.

(Photo by tanakawho from Flickr.)

And If I Perish, I Perish

2009-02-17T22:40:00.012-05:00

I found myself skipping an audition the other day because it required me to do something that I hadn't done since college and I thought I would fail. I let the fear that I would not be able to perform well drive me to not even attending and giving it a shot. It was just one of many examples lately of how I allow fear to dominate my decisions instead of living in freedom knowing that God has my life in His hands.

I have been so encouraged by the book of Esther lately. To bring us up to speed:

Esther is queen and living in the palace. The king and his pal have decided to annihilate the Jewish people. Esther is Jewish but her king does not know that. Esther's cousin Mordecai confronts her and tells her that she cannot just sit back and not step in on behalf of the Jewish people to the king thinking that because she lives in the palace she will be saved. He reminds her that she could have been put in the palace "for a time and place such as this" to intercede on behalf of the Jewish people. The law says that the queen cannot just show up and talk to the queen unless he has requested her presence because, well, she could be put to death.

"Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: ' Go gather together all the Jews who are in Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish.'" (Esther 4:15-16)

Wow. You talk about a woman. "And if I perish, I perish." What guts. What faith. To know that you are going to do what God has put you in this place to do and if you perish, so be it.

Well, I rarely fear for my life. I fear a lot of things- failure, looking like an idiot, embarrassment, getting hurt, rejection, etc. but none of that is as fierce as "perishing".

But what if my faith was so strong that I didn't make any decisions based on fear? I have a friend who is often reminding me to "take fear out of the equation" when I am making decisions.

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. " -Deuteronomy 31:8

When I remind myself that the Lord Himself has gone before me and fought the greatest battle and it is won... When I remind myself that death's sting has no power over me... Then why on earth would I fear a little pain/inconvenience/embarrassment/rejection/failure in this lifetime? The worst that could happen is I will perish.

And if I perish, I perish.

(P.S. Picture by Romeo Koitmae from Flickr.)

Storytelling, Art and Walking on Water

2009-02-10T21:06:00.013-05:00

I just finished this book by Madeline L'Engle (A Wrinkle in Time) called Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art. (It was a Christmas present from Susan-thank you Susan.) It has rocked my world. Please forgive the numerous quotes that follow but I just think she has so many incredible things to say. I felt like each page just screamed with reasons validating how important art is for our world and our relationship with God. I'm sure it will take me a lifetime to weave all that I have learned into my work.

But a summary of some of the things that I learned from this book:

*As an artist, my act of service is to the story. I had always thought that my act of service was to the audience but in reading this book I realized I cannot control what the audience thinks of my work and therefore I should make my greatest priority telling the story to the best of my abilities. This also takes enormous pressure off of worrying about the very objective ways people will view my performances.

"Obedience is an unpopular word nowadays but the artist must be obedient to the work whether it be a symphony, a painting, or a story for a child. I believe that each work of art... comes to the artist and says 'Here am I. Enflesh me. Give birth to me.'"

*Art (similar to prayer) requires listening which is a discipline.

"The artist must be obedient to the command of the work, knowing that this involves long hours of research, of throwing out a month's work, of going back to the beginning, or, sometimes scrapping the whole thing. But when the words mean even more than the writer knew they meant, then the writer has been listening. And sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect."

*The best work occurs when I listen and die to myself.

"To serve a work of art, great or small, is to die, to die to self. If the artist is able to listen to the work, he must get out of the way; or more correctly he must be willing to be got out of the way, to be killed to self in order to become the servant of the work."

“When the artist is truly the servant of the work, the work is better than the artist; Shakespeare knew how to listen to his work and so he often wrote better than he could write…
“In a very real sense not one of us is qualified, but it seems that God continually chooses the most unqualified to do his work, to bear his glory. If we are qualified, we tend to think that we have done the job ourselves. If we are forced to accept our evident lack of qualification then there’s no danger that we will confuse God’s work with our own, or God’s glory with our own.”

*Creating art requires not only a leap of faith but also a relinquishment of control.

"The challenge is to let my intellect work for the creative act, not against it. And this means, first of all, that I must have more faith in the work than I have in myself."

"Artist have always been drawn to the wild, wide elements they cannot control or understand. To be an artist means to approach the light and that means to let go our control, to allow our whole selves to be placed with absolute faith in that which is greater than we are. The novel we sit down to write and the one we end up writing may be very different just as the Jesus we grasp and the Jesus who grasps us may also differ."

*This book also reinforced many of the reasons why art, why storytelling is important and God-glorifying. It is a real shame that so many churches today do not recognize the power that lies in story, in myth and in the creative process.

“It is one of the great triumphs of Lucifer that he has managed to make Christians believe that a story is a lie, that a myth should be outgrown with puberty, that to act in a play is inconsistent with true religion.”

"Far too often today children are taught, both in school and at home, to equate truth with fact. If we can't understand something and dissect it with our conscious minds, then it isn't true. In our anxiety to limit ourselves to that which we can comprehend definitively we are losing all that is above, beyond, below, through, past, over that small area encompassed by our conscious minds. "

“God is constantly creating, in us, through us, with us, and to co-create with God is our human calling. It is the calling for all of us, his creatures but it is perhaps more conscious with the artist…”

“The great artists keep us from frozenness, from smugness, from thinking that the truth is in us rather than in God…. They help us to know that we are often closer to God in our doubts than in our certainties, that it is all right to be like a small child who constantly asks, Why? Why? Why?”

“There is no denying that the artist is someone who is full of questions, who cries them out in great angst, who discovers rainbow answers in the darkness and then rushes to canvas or paper. An artist is someone who cannot rest, who can never rest as long as there is one suffering creature in the world….Perhaps the artist longs to sleep well every night, to eat anything without indigestion, to feel no moral qualms, to turn off the television news and make a bologna sandwich after seeing the devastation and death…. But the artist cannot manage this normalcy. Vision keeps breaking through and must find means of expression.”

Culture Making

2009-02-06T11:10:00.005-05:00

"There are two humanities now in the world. There are two communities. One calls on the name of the Lord and creates culture in God’s name. And seeks with culture to serve God and neighbor. And the other community also makes culture but in order to get glory, in order to prove themselves, in order to make a name for themselves. There’s two ways to make culture. There’s two ways to create a society. One is based on power. One is based on peace. One develops oppression. One develops justice. One is based on power and its result is death. One is based on service and its result is life…."

-From Tim Keller's "A Tale of Two Cities" Sermon

(Photo is the beginning of a piece of art by my friend Teresa)

The Moment

2009-02-03T23:28:00.011-05:00

I was working with an acting coach on a piece and she stopped me and said something that really hit me. She said when she had been an actor doing a monologue, she had always felt like she needed to "get to the moment". She felt like she needed to be working towards this thing when she was performing her art. And then she realized one day that each single moment is what made up the piece. Each moment was its own unique experience. And she realized that it was far more interesting to have an experience in each moment she was present onstage than to fly through it trying to accomplish something.

Since then, I have completely changed the way I think about doing monologues or pieces in auditions. And although it is a habit I am working to develop and does not come naturally.... to live in this moment... and now this one.... and now this one.... when I am able to feel like I am doing it my experience of the piece I am performing feels like a story unfolding. Which is what it should feel like.

BUT I realized the other day that I not only try to rush through audition pieces instead of experiencing them but I also just rush through life. I constantly feel like I am working to GET somewhere. To achieve something. I feel like God will reveal some grand purpose and then I will have made it. Then I will be living life.

This was in my Beth Moore Bible study last week:

"At strategic times of internal war I stop and ask myself, 'What if this is a critical moment? What if this very thing, this very decision, is the most important piece of the puzzle comprising my purpose?'"

Whoa. What if I am flying through life trying to achieve something at some point in the distant future when this moment, THIS one, this one where I am single, in New York City, working at a hedge fund, getting ready to perform at a show at Columbia is the most important piece of God's puzzle for me? What if it is and I'm treating it like it's just this thing that I need to scuffle through in order to get to the thing God has really designed me for? What if I treated every day with the significance that perhaps it is the most important piece of the puzzle? What if I really lived in this moment with God and this moment only?

Well. I think it would change the way I lived. And I think, at the end of my life all of the experiences would add up to a much more beautiful, fulfilling and God-centered story.

(Photo by Susan Nacorda)

Shine Lord and My Terror Shall Cease

2009-01-28T16:41:00.006-05:00

Shine, Lord and my terror shall cease
The blood of atonement apply

And lead me to Jesus for peace

The rock that is higher than I

Speak, Saviour, for sweet is thy voice

Thy presence is fair to behold

I thirst for thy Spirit with cries

And groanings that cannot be told.*

-*Encompassed With Clouds of Distress (Augustus Toplady/Steve Elliot)

It has come to my attention this week just how fearful I am. I fear both sides of a situation. I fear what will happen if something comes through and what will happen if it does not. I fear staying in New York but I also fear leaving. I fear singleness but I also fear companionship. I fear what life as a performer would look like and what it would look like if I wasn’t.

What is kind of incredible is that there have been times when my worst fears have been realized… and yet I am still in one piece. Satan has created an environment within me where the fear of possibilities is far more paralyzing than the reality of any catastrophe.

A life lived in fear is not a life lived in trust in God. And therefore it is not a life lived in freedom. It is a life in complete bondage to the possibility of God not coming through for me… or at least God not coming through for me in the way that I want him to.

My pastor talked about the sins that crouch at our doors this past week (Genesis 4: 6-7). The ones that we are blind to. The ones that we minimize and rationalize. And then, he said, they master us.

The sin crouching at my door is my desire to control. And right now, I am at a point where I have zero control over every situation in my life. Well, I guess I always have zero control, but I usually am able to pretend that I do. And since this moment does not allow me to be deceived by the illusion that I have control, Satan is whispering to me that the One who is in control does not have my best interest at heart:

If sometimes I strive, as I mourn

My hold of thy promise to keep,

The billows more fiercely return,

And plunge me again in the deep:

While harassed and cast from thy sight,
The tempter suggests with a roar,

"The Lord has forsaken thee quite;

Thy God will be gracious no more."*

The goal has been all about me. I have to make the goal all about my Lord. The only way to relinquish control, to get rid of the fear is to fix my eyes on a different prize. I am constantly relearning that a life that is happy and easy is not always the life that is best for me. Because sometimes it is not the life that draws me to my Lord. My goal cannot be comfort.

I have desires, but I hold them with open hands. And I ask that God will make my goal Him... that He will make my goal Christ alone and then take me down the path that best helps me get there.

Yet, Lord, if thy love hath designed
No covenant blessing for me,
Ah, tell me, how is it I find
Some sweetness in waiting for thee?
Almighty to rescue thou art;
Thy grace is immortal and free.
Lord, succor and comfort my heart
And make me live holy to thee.*

(This song has rocked my world. I love it when God uses a piece of art to speak so deeply to me. If you go here: http://www.parkslopechurch.com/explore/audio/ it is the last song on the page. Enjoy.)

(P.S. Photo by Susan Nacorda.)

Provision

2009-01-22T15:07:00.004-05:00

Well, God has completely blown open my thoughts about money in the last two weeks. I’ve always heard that “all money is God’s money” but I have never really believed it. Sure, it’s God’s money but He wants me to enjoy life so if I want to spend it on Starbucks and J.Crew and eating out for lunch and fancy desserts at dinner then that’s cool, right?

Hmmm…. Well, Xaris and Laura have really challenged me to be a better steward. But even more than that, I have been floored in my fundraising efforts for a mission trip I am going on to a Moroccan orphanage.

My first thought when I decided to go was, “Well, if I can spare the money to go, then by all means I will but I’m not going to ASK people for money. In this economy??? Money is precious to people…. I’m not going to ask for them to give me money to go on a mission trip!”

But when I got to the root of why I felt that way, I realized it was because of my deep, deep pride. I was raised to believe, subconsciously, that you pay for yourself. You are generous with what you have. You give to others who are less fortunate, but you never allow your needs to be met by others. You just get it together and make enough money to do whatever you want to do and to help other people. But we do not ASK other people for money. They could be offended by your asking. They could think you are lazy and unable to pay for yourself. And they might even think, oh dear, that you are selfish.

My Beth Moore Bible study yesterday asked the question: “When was the last time you had to risk losing face to save something more precious than pride?” I realized that I cared way too much about people thinking I was totally selfish to ask for money to actually do it when I knew God wanted me to.

And the thing that has amazed me about this entire process, is that the people who are so generous are people who have very little. And I have plenty. And I am not living nearly as freely with the knowledge that my money is God’s money and I can give it to others knowing that God will take care of my needs. Ouch.

“Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins worth only a fraction of a penny.
Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on."- Mark 4:41-44

I have had people I do not even know contact me saying they would love to give to me. Really?? People I’ve never met?? Do I SEEK OUT ways to further advance God’s kingdom here on earth. No way. If you ask me I’ll consider whether or not giving you money will cut into my Starbucks/J.Crew/eating out/broadway show account and if it doesn’t, I’ll give you some dough. But do I SEEK OUT ways to give my money to other people with a generous heart? Nope. Double ouch.

I credit Xaris and Laura for pointing out to me that we dwell on Bible verses about purity and adultery, violence and bitterness, dishonesty, etc. and don’t tolerate those sins. But Jesus talks about being generous and sacrificial with your money a lot and we rarely consider anything less than that intolerable among Christians.

So, I’m extremely grateful for all of this fundraising business. I’m extremely grateful to the number of people who have given to me and shown me that the body of Christ is a body. A body which cannot function without us being codependent on each other. Without my needs being intertwined with your needs. I am thankful that I have been shown that I do not have to be ashamed of “losing face” to ask the body for help for what God calls me to do. And I am thankful that those who have given to me in times of non-plenty (which is probably anyone right about now) will be blessed because they are stepping out in faith that God is going to take care of their financial needs. Wow.

Have I got this figured out?
Nope.
Will I continue to struggle with being selfish with my money and drinking overpriced Starbucks coffee?
Of course.

But at least now, I recognize that there is a problem of 1) pride in asking for money and 2) giving to others only when it is not sacrificial.
At least now I’m beginning to internalize that God calls me to be a generous giver in times of plenty and in scarcity. And that when I give sacrificially in times of scarcity like the widow who gave everything, my faith will be tested, strengthened and purified.

(P.S. I heard a priest once give a homily on "The Giving Tree" by Shel Silverstein. What a great book.)

Perfect Love Casts out Fear

2009-01-15T15:26:00.003-05:00

"God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.
By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. "
-1 John 4:16-18

As I begin a scary journey, I am thankful today that God is love and there is no fear in Him because He casts it out. Perfect love casts out fear. And God's love is perfect. I have nothing to fear.
Amen and amen.

Unbelief and God's Goodness

2009-01-13T23:45:00.021-05:00

I cry out

For Your hand of mercy to heal me.

I am weak

I need Your love to free me.

Oh Lord, my rock

My strength in weakness.

Come rescue me, oh Lord.

You are my hope.

Your promise never fails me.

And my desire

Is to follow You forever.

For You are good,

For You are good

For You are good to me.

-"Good to Me" Lyrics

Since this song was included in worship last Sunday, I think I have listened to it at least 50 times.... No lies. Seriously.

The thing that I love about it the most is the tension that exists between being weak and needing God's love to free me to declaring in the next line that the Lord is "my rock, my strength in weakness."

It got me thinking about my doubts. Some people doubt God's existence or doubt God's sovereignty, but most often I struggle with doubting God's goodness.

This week my pastor said that all temptations boil down to believing that I can't or shouldn't fully follow God because He won't give me happiness.

In Mark 9:21-24, a father has brought his son to Jesus for healing from an evil spirit:
Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"
"From childhood," he answered. "It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."
"If I can?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

Thank goodness I can ask Jesus to help me overcome my unbelief... about His existence, His sovereignty, His goodness....

If I didn't have moments of doubt, of skepticism, of unbelief there would be nothing to require me to go deeper to find answers... to seek out truth... and to be less dependent on myself and more dependent on God to "help me overcome" my skepticism.

"Doubts and questions are to be loved like the answers themselves. They are the precious journey, without which the destination is worthless."-Frederica Ghesquiere

For He is good,
For He is good,
For He is good to me...

And when I doubt that, He will help me overcome my unbelief.

(P.S. I'll try to make that the last Van Gogh pic. I was still dreaming about the exhibit they had at the MOMA...)

New Every Morning

2009-01-07T23:21:00.013-05:00

I'm not sure I have ever been as excited and hopeful for a new year to begin as I was this year. This December 31st, I was so ready to enter a new phase and apply all of the things I learned last year. I was pumped. It was going to be great. 2009- here I come.

Well, it's one week into the new year and I have already failed professionally (Oh, did I say I would go to EVERY audition avaliable to me?), personally (As I sip from a Starbucks right NOW knowing I had vowed to spend less money there.) and spiritually (Maybe if I just apply the odd numbers of what I learned on my list from 2008?)

Thank goodness I can always rest in the knowledge that I am a PLMF- a Perfectly Loved Moral Failure. And thank goodness, God's mercies are new and avaliable to me not on a yearly basis but on a daily basis:

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is Thy faithfulness."- Lamentations 3:21-23

In Kentucky, I heard a sermon by Pastor Kyle McDanell on the passage where Jesus is washing His disciples feet. The passage starts with Peter saying he does not want his feet to be washed by his Savior:

"'No,' said Peter, 'you shall never wash my feet.'

Jesus answered, 'Unless I wash you, you have no part with me.'
'Then, Lord,' Simon Peter replied, 'not just my feet but my hands and my head as well!'
Jesus answered, 'A person who has had a bath needs only to wash his feet; his whole body is clean. And you are clean...'" John 13:8-10a

Pastor McDanell pointed out that Peter had been saved and spiritually speaking he had"been bathed." He didn't need to have his hands, head, body, etc. washed. But even though he was clean before God's eyes, he still had to have Jesus wash the dirt off his feet. And the pastor pointed out that we all need our feet washed multiple times a day, just like people in Jesus time needed their feet washed literally multiple times a day as they walked on dirty roads in their sandals. They didn't need their whole bodies cleaned, but they needed to wash the dirt of the world off of their feet over and over.

As 2009 begins, I am a Perfectly Loved Moral Failure. God looks on me perfectly because I am covered by Jesus sacrifice. I don't need a bath. (Well I might but not figuratively ;-)

But I am a moral failure, and I must keep coming to Jesus, spending time with Jesus, pressing in to Jesus to get my feet washed.... to get the dust off.... the junk... the dirt of this world. And I will have to keep doing that every moment of every day for the rest of my life, until I see Jesus face to face.

Thank God his mercies are new every morning. Thank God Jesus not only died for me, but He is perfect in humility to invite me to draw near to Him so He can also wash my feet.

Some Lyrics from "Great is Thy Faithfulness":

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!

Morning by morning new mercies I see.

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Praise God that I do not have to wait until 2010 to get my feet washed again by His merciful hands. Whenever I spend time in His presence, He will show up and if I ask, He will take away the my dirt and make me clean again.

(P.S. The VanGogh exhibit was in town at the MOMA last week. I think the sun is probably setting in this picture... but you know, we can pretend it's morning, right?)

UPDATE 1/13/09: Thanks to Grace for adding the term PLMF to Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=PLMF
So funny.

New Years Thought

2009-01-02T14:26:00.004-05:00

"But the land you are crossing the Jordan to take possession of is a land of mountains and valleys that drinks rain from heaven. It is a land the LORD your God cares for; the eyes of the LORD your God are continually on it from the beginning of the year to its end."
-Deuteronomy 11:11-12

So beautiful. God is here from the beginning of the year until the end.

2008 Roundup

2008-12-31T11:58:00.004-05:00

I made a list today of all of the things I feel like God has taught me this year.

It was, um, a huge list to say the least. But here are some of my faves:

1.) When I take fear out of the equation, my decisions are a lot easier to make.

Because as my friend Julie says, "Fear is the absence of faith in God."

"Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Matthew 8:26

2.) In every moment, I am either moving towards or away from God.

Every moment. Every decision I make. Every thing I do. It either pulls me to His throne or further into myself.

3.) I have nothing to fear from being imperfect. My imperfection is an unchangeable fact until I see Jesus face to face.

Which means I have no fear in being transparent and honest about all my failures and shortcomings. I am more sinful than I could ever imagine and yet more loved than I could ever dare hope.

4.) Whatever is all over the floor of my life was inside of me to begin with.

Paige Benton Brown pointed out that when a water bottle gets knocked over there will be water on the floor because there was water in the bottle. Life will knock me down, it is inevitable and unavoidable. But if there is bitterness, frustration or sorrow on the floor of my life, it is not because I got knocked over. It is because those things were inside of me from the very beginning. Life just happened to reveal them at this moment. It all goes back to what the condition of my heart is.

5.) I can't change other people, I can only change the way I react to them.

Thank you Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

6.) That God is a gentleman.

He will not force Himself upon me. He will allow me to choose. Will it be Him or something else?

7.) I receive peace not when my prayers are answered but when they are offered.

Thanks to a Biblical Hannah for demonstrating this.

8) God will not play my mind games.

When I worry about a particular situation that could happen, that is a mental reality that exists without God. He will not show up in my daymares. If the actual situation occurs, He will be there. But it is useless to worry because He won't play the game of showing me how every problem in my imagination will be solved IF it happens. He will only show me how it is solved if it does happen.

9) All suffering is weighing God's character against my own wisdom.

And my wisdom is EXTREMELY limited and fairly useless.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. " - Proverbs 3:5-6

10) God loves me.

This year I discovered that God is a God of boundaries. He does not tolerate sin. So the only way He can tolerate us is if that sin has been paid for. That is His boundary. But, He loves me so much that He paid for it Himself. Wow.

Happy New Year. Welcome to 2009.

Faith Daring Pillow Reminders

2008-12-26T14:10:00.005-05:00

I was spending some time pouring my heart out to God this morning when I looked over and saw this pillow. It says "Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see". I have been sleeping in this room for several nights and somehow just noticed it today in the middle of my prayer.

Hmmm.... Perhaps I'll cart it back to the big city as a little reminder...

A reminder that faith means I trust that God is working behind the scenes....

And just because I can't see it doesn't mean I can't keep going.

Cup Removal

2008-12-22T21:20:00.007-05:00

"Abba, Father," He said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." (Mark 14:36)

"Jesus, knowing all that was going to happen to Him, went out and asked them, 'Who is it you want?'

'Jesus of Nazareth.' they replied.

'I am He,' Jesus said." (John 18:4-5)

Jesus asked for the cup of suffering that He knew was to come to be taken from Him. And God was silent. He did not take it away.

And then, moments later, Jesus walked into the fire, knowing all that was going to happen to Him.

"I am He." The cup of suffering was not removed. God chose not to remove and so Jesus was obedient to what He was called to do. He was completely obedient knowing what pain and suffering that would mean.

If I ask God to remove something, a hurt, a task, anything... How faithfully will I follow Him "through the valley of it" if He does not? How obedient will I be when He calls me to do something and I say it is too hard? Will I step forward and say, "I am she" or will I muddle through kicking and screaming?

"So if all of these trials bring me closer to you

Then I will walk through the fire

If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen

When You lead me through a world that's not my home

But You never said it would be easy

You only said I'd never go alone."

-If You Want Me To- G. Owens

Having fallen in love with this song by Ginny Owens, I now realize that the truest example of the graceful obedience she sings of is in Jesus Christ.

Refuge

2008-12-15T23:25:00.021-05:00

"Someone told me a lie.
Someone looked me in the eye and said,

'Time will ease your pain.'"

-Cannonball by Brandi Carlile

I was struck today by how much faith I have put in time to heal pain. I think we are all guilty of that. But it struck me when I read this verse today:

"But I will sing of Your strength, in the morning I will sing of Your love; for You are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble." - Psalm 59:16

And then I looked up the definition of refuge:

"Refuge: Anything to which one has recourse for aid, relief, or escape."

God is my refuge in times of trouble. He is my aid. He is my relief. He is my escape. He is the Healer that applies the balm to the wounds.

God only.

And I realized all of the things that I have been making my refuge lately:

Friendships. Family. Caring for Myself. Church. Keeping Busy. Serving Others. Loving Others. Performing. Exercising. The West Wing.

Even the advice I have received (and have given to others at times) points to the way we make everything but God our refuge:
"Lean on your friends."
"Time will fix this. Time will heal."
"Just keep yourself busy."
"Now you can focus on your career for a little while."
"This is time to make taking care of you a priority."

And I have been depending on these things (relationships, career, myself, etc.) to (1.) either pass the time until healing occurs or (2.) be my refuge.

But Time won't heal pain. It will make it seem less significant. It will fill our minds with other things and activities. But Time won't heal.

And there is nothing wrong with loving people or service or career or my favorite television show BUT I have made good things into ultimate things. I have made blessings into my refuge, my aid, my relief and my escape.

But only God is able to be my refuge. Only God is my Healer. Only God is my aid, my relief, my escape.

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam,

and the mountains quake with their surging....

Be still, and know that I am God;

I will be exalted amontg the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

-Psalm 46:1-3 and 10

Quotes of the Week

2008-12-09T01:16:00.009-05:00

I went back to see Sight and Sound Theater's Miracle of Christmas show last weekend that some of my friends were in. Two of the lines really hit me in the gut.

1.) The scene in the show where Mary is pregnant and Joseph thinks she has been unfaithful prompts Mary to say to him, "Why is your faith shaken by that which you cannot comprehend?"

Which led me to:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. " - Proverbs 3:5-6

How often am I leaning on my own understanding of a situation? My own, 25 year old, Kentucky born, New York University educated understanding of a situation? And let's be serious. How limited is that? Yikes.

Like Kathy Keller said, all suffering and hurt is weighing God's character against my own wisdom. And trusting in the Lord with all my heart goes hand and hand with LEANING NOT ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING.

So, Lauren, quit leaning on something as rickety as a one legged table.

2.) There is a scene where Elizabeth, Mary's significantly older cousin, who is miraculously pregnant with John the Baptist discusses how after years of being unable to conceive a child, "In my greatest hour of despair, God did His best work."

I am constantly floored by the nature of God and the way He makes great things out of nothingness. It must be because once we are emptied of all our junk, that is the hour that we are most dependent on Him. We have been emptied of all the worldly desires, hang-ups and habits and are clinging to nothing but the knowledge that Jesus loves us because that is all we have left. And NOW, God can begin to do His best work.

Also this week, Susan threw this one at me when I was upset about my own stupid sins:
3.) "You never have anything to fear about being imperfect, Lauren. Until we see Jesus face to face, our imperfection is an unchangeable fact."

I'll admit when she hit me up with that one, I started crying immediately. It never ceases to amaze me how countercultural Jesus is. The idea that nothing about being loved by Him has anything to do with my performance as a human or even as a Christian is something I am constantly relearning.

So, as I sit between Thanskgiving and Christmas, I'm thankful for three things:
1.) That my God is bigger than the shakiness of my faith. A faith that is often shaken by things I can't comprehend.
2.) That God makes great things not out of good things but out of nothingness. He often does His best work in my greatest hours of despair.
3.) That I am completely and totally imperfect. And yet completely and totally loved.

Hope your Christmas is getting off to a good start.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-03T00:09:00.007-05:00

"I thank God upon every remembrance of you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now..." Philippians 1:3-5

I'll be honest.

I was not looking forward to the holidays this year. In fact, the thought of Christmas is still a little daunting to me.

But God is good. And when my skeptical heart said, "Really? A holiday to count my blessings?" I was met with some pretty huge reasons why I should be doing just that.

There really is nothing like sisterhood.

It was pretty exciting to bring two of my favorite ladies from New York home to Kentucky and introduce them to my childhood community and say, "See, this is why New York is so important to me. This is part of the community that continues to help me grow and love and change."

People in Kentucky can be pretty skeptical about why New York is a place worth visiting. I can't count how much I introduced friends from NYC and heard "New York? That's somewhere you will never see me go."

But I think we showed them that sisters like this makes a lot of the homesickness, lack of grass and rent checks feel totally worth it.

Pressing On = Pressing In

2008-11-20T16:01:00.012-05:00

"Then Jesus went with his disciples to a a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, 'Sit here while I go over there and pray.' He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.'" -Matthew 26:36-38

I feel like there could not be a more incredible example of how necessary it is to press into the Lord to get through tough times. Even Christ had to do it. Knowing the end was near, He pressed into His father. Knowing His soul was "overwhelmed with sorrow", He asked His friends to keep watch so He can go to God in prayer. Even though He confessed to them He was hurting, He took His hurt to God.

Pressing on through the hurt means pressing in to the Lord.

I realize this is almost exactly what I said when I talked about Hannah. But I keep getting smacked in the face with it because I realize that I can never do it enough. I can never press into the Lord enough.

I've always really struggled with "pouring my heart out to God" the way that Hannah did. I'll pray for you, your Grandma, my future, your future, etc. I'll pray for healing. Generically. But I don't pray for God to reveal to me the things in me that need to be changed so that I can heal.

"Hey God, if you could fix it, that would be great. But I'm not really going to put any effort in."

But to pray is to change.

It's like counseling. I remember talking to someone once about their counseling experience. They said that after going once or twice they weren't going back because they left the counselor's office more upset than "if they had never gone in the first place." Um, well, yeah. Counseling hurts. It's like surgery. We are going to pull up all your junk and crap that you have been avoiding, take a look at what is destructive and cut it out with a scalpel. But you'll be healthier once we get it out of you. We have to get rid of the cancer.

Prayer is the same way. Just with God. And surgery scares me.

At 3 o'clock in the morning the other night, (and um, I was up at 3 o'clock because I am newly obsessed with "The West Wing"; thanks a lot Blum) I went from discussing something rationally with my roommate to being a gross, crying mess in her lap. And I realized that my hurts were overflowing out of me because I was not pressing into the Lord enough. I had not been leaving prayer changed because I was asking God to fix it but then I did not do my part.

He's saying, "I'll show you the cancer and you go get it cut out."

And I'm saying, "Um, I'd rather you divinely remove it with a miracle so that it doesn't hurt, actually. Oh... and could you also make sure it doesn't leave a scar? That would be great. Thanks."

Cricket.... cricket.....

Do I trust God enough to believe that the surgery that is being performed in my life is for my best? If I am not really pressing into the Lord and asking what I can do then do I really believe that His Character outweighs my own wisdom? If I did then wouldn't I be pouring everything in my heart out before Him to show me what to get rid of?

Yes.
Yes...I...would...

Transparency a.k.a What's Your Mess?

2008-11-13T22:32:00.007-05:00

"In her novel Wise Blood, Flannery O' Connor says of her character Hazel Motes that 'there was a deep, black wordless conviction in him that the way to avoid Jesus was to avoid sin.' This is a profound insight. You can avoid Jesus as Savior by keeping all the moral laws. If you do that, then you have "rights". God owes you answered prayers, and a good life, and a ticket to heaven when you die. You don't need a Savior who pardons you by free grace, for you are your own Savior." -The Prodigal God by Tim Keller

I have been thinking a lot about transparency lately. I have been completely inspired by the people in my life right now who are struggling with things and are just laying it out on the table. They are admitting their imperfections, for they know they are not their own savior, and they are living lives in the light with accountability and hope. It really is so beautiful. They truly have an understanding of the gospel:

We are more sinful they we ever dared believe and yet more loved than we ever dared hope.

If there is not an understanding of the latter, then there is no way to admit the former. If I do not believe that I already have more love than I will ever need then there is no way I will admit my struggles and failings for I fear the rejection of those around me.

Paige Benton Brown discussed this briefly at the conference when she said, "When's the last time you heard someone say, 'Can you pray for me? When I look at my heart I realize I'm racist? ' or 'Hey I'm really struggling with lust here.'"

I had a friend say to me recently that he wanted to start going back to church but that first, he needed to get his life back in order. How sad that the church gives off such an unwelcoming, self righteous air. That is not what Jesus said we should be.

"On hearing this Jesus said to them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" -Mark 2:17

I am thankful that I have a community of people who inspire me to acknowledge how loved I am by God and be confident enough in that to admit to the world what a total mess I am.

I hope you do too.

Desperate Hearts

2008-11-06T13:02:00.006-05:00

"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. And she made a vow, saying, "O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her....Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
"Not so, my lord," Hannah replied, "I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."
Eli answered, "Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him."
She said, "May your servant find favor in your eyes." Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast. "-1st Samuel 1:10-18

This was one of the passages that Paige Benton Brown (PBB) discussed at the conference I attended. Hannah was a desperate heart. She desperately wanted a son. And what did she do with that? She went desperately to the Lord. So desperately that the priest, Eli, thought she was drunk. It was so rare to see someone that passionate in prayer, that broken before the Lord that the priest thought this woman was drunk. She doesn't show up all big and strong and composed asking for her hearts desire. She is a mess.

And I just love the transition that takes place between these three moments:
1) Hannah begins "in bitterness of soul" weeping and praying to the Lord
2) Hannah "pours out her soul" to the Lord
3) Hannah goes her way and "her face is no longer downcast"

How do I go from "bitterness of soul" to "no longer downcast"? By pouring out my soul to the Lord. And, as PBB points out she leaves a different person "not because the prayer was answered but because the prayer was offered". She still did not have a son when she left nor the assurance that she would ever have one. But she knew that God was Sovereign, Consistent and Loved her. She had handed over her request to the one who knows better than she does what is truly best for her.

Kathy Keller said our sorrows, our sufferings, our conflicts are all weighing God's character against our own wisdom. That is the only conflict that ever has to be decided when we are suffering.

Hannah knew that whether she had a child or not, God's character was greater than her knowledge of the situation.

I'm working on trying to rest in that knowledge as well.
And I hope, whatever you are going through, that you can too.

Wilderness

2008-10-28T21:46:00.011-04:00

"The pathway is broken

And the signs are unclear

And I don't know the reason

Why You brought me here

But just because You love me

The way that You do

I'm gonna walk through the valley

If you want me to."

-If You Want Me To by G. Owens

Last weekend, I went to a Christian women's conference that blew my mind. I'm sure my next several blogs will be sorting out the things I learned there so I'm warning you that you may get sick of references to Paige Benton Brown and Kathy Keller.

But one of the things that struck me as a definite theme of what God was teaching me was to trust Him in the wilderness of pain, hurt and confusion. For the last few weeks, I have swept things under the rug and tried to build a new future for myself. I've thrown band aids over things that need to be evaluated and considered. And when Paige Benton Brown spoke about desperate hearts in the Bible and how God uses them, I felt like she was speaking right to me:

"We live in a culture of cover up and not collapsing. As soon as something collapses we try to build it back up."

But wait, I don't like being in the valley. I like the mountaintop. When I'm down in the valley I just want to pull myself up by my bootstraps and jerk myself to the top of some other mountain.

But, as the speaker pointed out, total inability is God's starting point. He does not begin when I start something and invite him along. He does not create great things out of okay things. He creates great things out of nothingness. Out of wilderness. Out of brokenness.

Kathy Keller made the point that hurt shouldn't be wasted. To grit our teeth and just wait for it to be over just makes our sorrows useless.

So... I'm going to try to stop trying so hard to be pulled together, put together, etc. This weekend I was surrounded by beautiful, amazing women who shared their stories, their hurts and their lives. They were real leaders. They were real women. They were what God created them to be.

I am in the wilderness and I don't know what the next step is for my life. I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm in the wilderness and that is okay. I am in the wilderness but I am not alone.

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done that of which I have spoken to you."- Genesis 28:15

Change is Good

2008-10-23T11:35:00.007-04:00

"Right now, I am uninterested in being perfect, I am solely interested in God changing my life." -From Grace's Blog

Which reminds me of the quote: "God loves us the way we are, but too much to leave us that way."
-Leighton Ford

Here's to being a work in progress even when the progress feels slow.

Beautiful Things

2008-10-15T16:28:00.078-04:00

I read in "Captivating" that beauty is healing. They made the point in the book that we send flowers to those who have lost loved ones because when words will not suffice, beauty helps heal. It says things that words cannot. It fills the voids in our hearts. I have a friend who is hurting right now. And several more who are in the midst of fairly painful transition phases. So here are 50 Beautiful Things (in no particular order) to heal our hearts when words just can't get it done.

50. Quilts

49.) Roses
48.) Cityscapes
47.) Countryside (Thanks for the picture Elisabeth B!)

46.) Friends (aka Your Peeps)

45.) Stained Glass Windows
44.) Magnolia Bakery Cupcakes

43.) Naps

42.) Pets (Particularly in front of flowered curtains)
41.) Springtime
40.) Any song by Sigur Ros (Particularly ‘Inní mér syngur vitleysingur’ )

39.) Caramel Lattes

38.) A Beautiful Dress

37.) Any Piece of Art by Teresa Reilly

36.) The Ocean

35.) Prayer

34.) France and French

33.) Laughter

32.) Old School China

31.) Winter

30.) The Play or Movie that Changes the Way You Think

29) Peacocks

28) Gardens

27.) Art by Gustav Klimt

26.) Dancing

25.) Choir Music

24.)Anything in Anthropologie
23.) Summer

22.) Kiddos

21.) Candlelight

20.) Fall

19.) Books

18.) An Old Country Church

17.)Van Gogh Paintings

16.) The Sound of Rain on Your Roof

15.) Jewelry

14.) Lilies

13.) Kentucky

12.) Italy and Italian

11.) Christmas

10.) Big, Fluffy Pillows

9.) Chocolate

8.) Waterfalls

7.) Any Song by Sara Groves

6.) Family

5.) Pumpkins

4.) Unexpected Phone Calls to Check on You

3.) Fireplaces

2.) Sisterhood

1.) Jesus

Feel free to add to the list and by doing so, as our good friend Sara Groves says, you'll also "Add to the Beauty".

Weddings in Kentucky and the Loyalty of a Mack Truck Jesus

2008-10-10T11:09:00.004-04:00

I was in Kentucky for a wedding last weekend. (Sidebar: Nothing is more beautiful than fall in Kentucky. NOTHING. Period.) It was a childhood/middle school/ high school friend and she was beautiful. The wedding was lovely. And, best of all, my Kentucky community was almost all there and they were all loving and supportive and wonderful in a way that only a small town community can truly be. The way that says "We don't really have a clue what is going on in your life but we sure love you."

As I drove away from the reception at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning after spending time seeing all of my old high school friends and having a blast I suddenly became really angry...at God.

Why did my friend get to be married and happy and content living at home and being a teacher? Why did it get to be so easy for her? Why do I have to be called to live in New York, single, with no family anywhere near me? Why can't I be a teacher in Kentucky? Why couldn't I have followed the boy I loved to college and married him right after? WHERE'S MY LIFE MAP?

Satan is such a genius. Really. All he has to do is whisper in my ear that God is holding out on me. And, BAM, I fall for it. And suddenly I have imagined that my life is so much harder than my friend's. Lies. Lies. Lies. And Satan's pretty consistent. He's been doing that since the beginning of time.

The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?”
“Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied.
“It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’”
“You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.”
The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. -Genesis 3:1-6

The line that gives me shudders: "The woman was convinced". I read once that Satan can only tempt us with the things that are already defecits in ourselves. The reason I can be "convinced" so easily is because I already doubt God's goodness.

At a Navs meeting the other night, Amanda gave a pretty stellar illustration. Imagine you have a friend that you don't really trust. You doubt their loyalty. You doubt how much they care for you. It doesn't matter why. Maybe they forgot to call you on your birthday or something.

So one day you are crossing the street on your cell phone and a Mack truck comes barreling at you. You aren't paying attention. Your friend comes running, pushes you out of the way and gets hit by the Mack truck. He dies but he saved you.

Suddenly all of your doubts about his loyalty and his goodness would seem completely bogus.

But that is what Jesus did for me. He got hit by the Mack truck that was my sin. He willingly sacrificed His body, His blood, His life for ME.

Suddenly, it's a little embarassing that I ever questioned His Love, His Loyalty or His Goodness.

Fear in the Storms of Life; a.k.a. Where's my Life Map?

2008-10-01T16:57:00.026-04:00

Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm. Matthew 8:23-26

I love this passage.

My friend Julie told me one day that "Fear is the absence of faith in God."

In the storms of life, there is sadness over loss or disappointment at missed opportunities. But Jesus rebukes the disciples for their fear. Why are you afraid, disciples? It's because you have so little faith.
Why are you afraid, Lauren? It's because you have so little faith.

That sort of hits like a slap in the face. Hey, I can be afraid if I want to!

But God's word doesn't line up with that:

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

NOTHING? I'm not supposed to be anxious about ANYTHING? But I have no idea where I am going or what I am doing!

As my friend DeWanda says, "Get rid of your life map."

Oh yeah. That was MY life map. God has made it clear that my map goes nowhere. And if I do truly believe that God is Sovereign, Consistent and that He Loves me then His map is the one to follow.

Good thing He only shows me the path one step at a time. I would have tried to skip to the finish if He'd shown me the whole picture.

A couple of weeks ago my pastor asked us to imagine this scenario. Someone comes to you at the beginning of your life and says you can have your pick of either

A.) a life without struggle but you would be shallow and never blossom or grow

B.) a life with hardship, struggle and sacrifice but you would blossom and flourish being refined by the fire

Would anyone really not choose a cushy life that was without struggle just because they wouldn't "blossom" or "flourish"?

So in order for me to be the human that I was made to be, I have to experience struggle.

Maybe knowing that (and praying) can help me turn the fear and lack of faith into hope.

Call And Answer by the Barenaked Ladies

2008-09-22T11:00:00.008-04:00

My friend Beth sent me this song. The lyrics remind me so much of how God takes care of me that I had to share them:

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home

You think I only think about you
when we're both in the same room
I'm only here to witness
the remains of love exhumed
You think we're here to play
a game of who loves more than whom

And if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

You think it's only fair to do what's
best for you and you alone
It's only fair to do the same
to me when you're not home
I think it's time to make this something that is
more than only fair

So if you call, I will answer
and if you fall, I'll pick you up
and if you court this disaster
I'll point you home.

But I'm warning you, don't ever do
those crazy, messed up things that you do
If you ever do I promise you I'll be the first to crucify you
Now it's time to prove that you've come back here
To Rebuild
Rebuild
Rebuild
Rebuild...

When I come to Jesus to be rebuilt, I am thankful that my self destructive behaviors will not go without rebuke... not go with out being "crucified". I have to die to myself and my destructive ways of thinking and living in order to be fully His.

Isn't it amazing that the friends that are the most dear to us are the ones that hold us accountable (lovingly) for the things that we are doing to hurt ourselves and others? Doesn't it also make sense that a God who loves me would pull habits and behaviors that are destructive to make me whole?

From Teresa's Blog ala C.S. Lewis:

"In one of my favorite books of the Chroni(what)cles of Narnia, "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader," there is a scene where snotty cousin Eustace selfishly takes a golden bracelet from a dead dragon, transforming him into (what else)a dragon. His scaly arm swells, so he can't take off the bracelet, and he can't talk, and no one knows that he isn't a little British boy anymore. No one really cares anyway, he's so snotty. And then Aslan comes to him, and leads him to a beautiful garden (an Eden, you might say) where there is a beautiful pool. He dips himself in this steaming water, and his dragon skin starts to peel off. Layer after layer, he keeps ripping off these old shells of his old self, the dead scales and the meanness and self-absorption and the fears. But there's so much to it, he can't get it all. So Aslan jumps him, and digs his claws into his back, and just slashes the rest off. And then he's a boy again."

Sometimes God (and the people He has lovingly place in my life) dig their claws into my back to rip off my ugly scales. Ouch. But it's the only way to bring me to the glory of what I was originally created to be. A woman created in His image. If I'm created in His image, who better to choose the parts of me to take away?

And the parts to
"Rebuild...
Rebuild...
Rebuild."

A Time and A Place Such as This

2008-09-19T13:36:00.007-04:00

Last night I said goodbye to another one of my dearest friends. She's another one biting the dust and moving to L.A. I feel like people just keep walking out of my life. I've lost three dear friends in the last six weeks to distance and unforseen circumstances. My friend said the other day, "I cannot wait til Heaven where everyone I love is in one place." Amen.

My dad just left after essentially "babysitting" me for several days. He dropped everything at home, flew up and basically loved on me. He did our dishes (which were the worst they have ever been.... no seriously.... EVER), cleaned our bathroom, restocked the wine rack (although that just benefits Susan), took two boxes to the post office and shipped them, took me to the beach, put his arm around my shoulder when I cried, made sure I ate enough, encouraged me to go to bed early and take naps, went to two church functions with me (he's not a church fan), took my friends to dinner multiple times to feed them and most importantly, just listened to all of the things that I needed to say.

I will never forget this trip he took and how much it meant to me. I will never forget the important things he dropped (including the funeral of one of his friends) to come be by my side. And it was such an amazing expression and reminder to me of how much my Heavenly Father loves me. He never has to "drop" things and come running, because He is always right here. I just have to seek him out.

"Behold I am with you and will keep you WHEREVER YOU GO, and will bring you back to this land; for I will not leave you until I have done that of which I have spoken to you." –Genesis 28:15

When my dad left, I felt about twice as sad as I had before he got there. But, I'm an adult and I chose to live in New York City because I felt God calling me here. I can't just go running home because my community here is changing. For this time, God wants me here.

I remember the verses in Esther where the Jews were in trouble and Esther was living in the palace. She didn't really want to confront the king about not hurting her people because she was afraid she would get killed. And her cousin said to her:

"Do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" -Esther 4:14

I have been put in New York City for a time such as this.

And, luckily, He has given me glimpses of the reasons why I am here. Not everyone is so lucky. But I have grown here exponentially more than I did when I was at home. As a Christian and therefore as a person. And I have had more opportunities to serve others here sometimes with gifts I knew I had and sometimes in ways I was not sure I was capable of. But God showed me that through Him, I am always capable.

So tonight I'm in a show.
One that tells a story I am passionate about.
One that demonstrates that when we are impatient with God and take things into our own hands it doesn't work out for the best.

Maybe I've been put in this show for a time and a place such as this.

Step 1, Step 2

2008-09-10T16:55:00.006-04:00

I just finished reading "A New Kind of Normal" by Carol Kent. In it, she says that when we are in the midsts of sadness or depression we must do two things.

1.) We must acknowledge to God, out loud, the things that we have to be thankful for.
2.) We must do something for someone else.

What does this do? It takes the focus off of me and puts it back where it needs to be. First and foremost, with God. And then, secondly, I can use that Godly focus to bless the others around me and keep myself from self-pity.

And there are a few things that I can always be thankful for, no matter what the circumstances:
1.) God is Sovereign
2.) God is Consistent
3.) God Loves me

1.) God is Sovereign-
Over everything. If he is in control of it all, that also means that my life is in His hands.

When God speaks to Job, he says:
"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? … "Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place,when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place,that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.What is the way to the abode of light?Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings?" (Excerpts from Job 38)

2.) God is Consistent-
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.- Hebrews 13:8

God is no less good to me on the happiest day of my life than He is on the day of my life that is the most painful.

Paige Benton states this perfectly in an article she wrote where she was frustrated by her singleness:

"Can God be any less good to me on the average Tuesday morning than he was on that monumental Friday afternoon when he hung on a cross in my place? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me tomorrow either, because God cannot be less good to me. His goodness is not the effect of his disposition but the essence of his person--not an attitude but an attribute.

I long to be married. My younger sister got married two months ago. She now has an adoring husband, a beautiful home, a whirlpool bathtub, and all-new Corningware. Is God being any less good to me than he is to her? The answer is a resounding no. God will not be less good to me because God cannot be less good to me. It is a cosmic impossibility for God to shortchange any of his children...........

I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to possibly deserve a husband, nor because I am too spiritually mature to possibly need one. I am single because God is so abundantly good to me, because this is his best for me. It is a cosmic impossibility that anything could be better for me right now than being single. The psalmists confirm that I should not want, I shall not want, because no good thing will God withhold from me."

3.) God Loves me-
God has said, "I will never, never fail you nor forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5

God's love for me is evidence by the fact that He would spare nothing, not even His own Son, His own Being, for me to truly have what is best.

We need have no fear of someone who loves us perfectly; His perfect love for us eliminates all dread of what He might do to us. If we are afraid, it is for fear of what He might do to us, and shows us that we are not fully convinced that He really loves us. -1st John 4:18

Obedience

2008-09-03T17:32:00.006-04:00

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Provertbs 3:5-6

I am so thankful that in the midst of whatever I am going through, when my emotions are telling me to do something different each and every day (or moment) that I have the Lord to be obedient to. If I relied on my feelings or emotions to get me somewhere I would be constantly making decisions and then regretting them ten minutes later. But when God has made clear the things that are to be done to be on His path, the only choice left is whether or not I will obey.

And I can choose not to.
And a lot of times I do.
And things will probably work out okay.
But they will never be as glorious as they could have been if I had just been obedient from the start.

There are always choices. We have been given free will. There are teachings that promise a more abundant life, but the choice is always mine if I will obey. And sometimes I don't. But, if I do, I can live in the assurance that my life is the best that it could possibly be. That if I am living in His will, that it is a physical impossibility for my life to be anything other than the best that it can possibly be. Even when hurt and disappointment come my way.

Knowing God leads to self-control. Self control leads to patient endurance, and patient endurance leads to godliness.
-2nd Peter 1:6

The more I know about God the more I desire to be obedient. And through my self-control and my patient endurance the closer I grow to the Lord. And then, just like with a human being, the closer I grow to someone the more I want to know about them. And the cycle just continues until the end of my life when I reach the goal that is Christ Jesus.

This does not mean I am perfect.
This does not mean I won't fail.
I do. Lots.

But I can rest. I can rest knowing that a path has been laid before me and the abundant life that He wants me to have is before me. The only choice left is: Do I walk along that road?

And I will try.
And when I don't want to, I will ask for the strength to do it anyway.

Strength?

2008-08-26T17:07:00.002-04:00

My mother told me recently that one of the difficult things about hurt is that when you are perceived to be a strong person people overestimate how easily you will be able to get through the pain.

I have to agree. I get really tired of those comments "Well, you're such a strong person.", "You'll make it through to the other side of this so strong.", "You'll be fine, honey. Just give it time.", "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." Blah. Blah. Blah.

What if I'm not a strong person? What if I am that person who screams and whines and writhes in frustration like some little brat kid? What if the other side of my pain isn't strength, glory and beauty? What if I am a blubbering idiot who can't get her act together? What if I just want to quit and move home and let my mom spoon feed me because I'm a wimp?

And what are people basing this idea of "strength" on anyway? I can't remember any remotely difficult situation in my life that I have moved through with any composure. Even when situations were not difficult and I was just going to FFA camp or something I was still...a mess.

I remember a couple of years ago, in a difficult time, I called a friend of mine in hysterics. I was about to have to do something really hard and I wanted to back out.

"I don't have the strength to do this," I cried. "I'm too weak. I'm too selfish. It's too upsetting."

And she agreed.

"You're right. You aren't strong enough. You don't have the strength to do this thing at all."

And then she quoted Galatians 2:20 to me:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

"You don't have the strength to do anything, especially this," she said. "But Christ lives in you. And He can do it. And He will. "

So I got off the phone. And did what I needed to do.

Did it suck?
Yep.

Was it easy just because "Christ lives in me"?
Absolutely not.

Was I relieved when it was over?
Not really.

But... it did get done.

I read this verse today:
My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
-2nd Corinthians 12:9

I gotta be honest. That's good for me. Really good. I feel like I am nothing but weakness the majority of the time. Like I am nothing but vulnerability.

I was created to need God. I was created to be weak on my own and to be, not codependent, completely dependent on Him who knows me and therefore knows how best I work.

And apparently, I work best in weakness.

Blarg.

Optimism vs. Hope

2008-08-20T18:16:00.006-04:00

"We are not talking about a sunny disposition that makes us believe things will be better tomorrow. An optimist says, 'The war will be over; your wounds will be healed; the depression will go away; all will be better soon.' The optimist may be right, but unfortunately he or she may also be wrong. For none of us can control our circumstances.

No, hope does not come from positive predictions about the state of the world, anymore than does faith. Nor does hope depend on the ups and downs of life's particulars. Hope rather has to do with God. We have hope and joy in our faith because we believe that, while the world in which we live is shrouded in darkness, God has overcome the world. ' In the world,' said Jesus, ' you face persecution. But take courage; I have conquered the world' (John 16:33). We follow One who is not limited or defeated by the world's sufferings.

Hope does not mean that we will avoid or be able to ignore suffering, of course. Indeed, hope born of faith becomes matured and purified through difficulty. The surprise we experience in hope, then, is not that, unexpectedly, things turn out better than expected. For even when they do not, we can still have a keen hope. The basis of our hope has to do with the One who is stronger than life and suffering."

-Henri Nouwen

I was comforted recently when a friend said to me that God was not just looking down at me and my pain and saying "Oh, this will be good for her." She said that his heart was breaking, on a cosmic level, for my hurt. Wow.

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet is without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." - Hebrews 4:15-16

Misery loves company. Part of what makes suffering so hard is that sense that we are going through it alone. But that's not true. It's what the Enemy would have me believe (that I am in pain and alone) in order to compound my hurt.

But Jesus is not "a high priest" on top of some distant mountain "unable to sympathize" with my weakness. He hurts too. A lot. More than I do even at the things that ache me.

We had a family friend whose grandchild died at a young age. Looking back later he said that he would imagine that losing a grandchild is one of the hardest things. You are mourning the loss of your grandchild but you also hurt watching your own son or daughter suffer through losing their child.

I imagine that is how Jesus is. He hurts because He is saddened by our situations, because our losses are His losses, but He is also so hurt watching us suffer. His child, His creation. And He aches. He aches for us. But the beauty of Jesus, is that because "he is not a high priest" He also aches with us.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." - Psalm 3:18

I Am There

2008-08-15T10:52:00.002-04:00

A dear friend sent me this and it reminded me that Jesus is here with me.

Do you need me?
I am there
You cannot see me
Yet I am the light you see by
You cannot hear me
Yet I speak through your voice.
I am at work though you do not understand my ways
I am at work though you do not recognize my works
I am not strange visions
I am not mysteries
Only in absolute stillness, beyond self,
Can you know me as I Am.
And then but as a feeling and a faith
Yet I am there. Yet I hear. Yet I answer.
When you need me, I am there
Even if you deny me, I am there
Even when you feel most alone, I am there
Even in your fears, I am there
Even in your pain, I am there
I am there when you pray and when you do not pray
I am in you and you are in Me
Only in your mind can you feel separate from me
Empty your heart of empty fears
When you get yourself out of the way I am there
You can of yourself do nothing but I can do all and I am in all
Though you may not see the good, good is there for I am there
I am there because I have to be because I Am
Only in me does the world have meaning
Only out of me does the world take form
Only because of me does the world go forward
I am the love that’s the laws fulfilling
I am assurance. I am peace. I am oneness.
I am the law that you can live by
I am the law that you can cling to
I am your assurance I am your peace I am.
Though you fail to find me I do not fail you.
Though your faith in me is unsure my faith in you never wavers.
Because I know you, because I love you
Beloved, I am there.

Answer me.

2008-08-12T11:12:00.003-04:00

Daniel 2:17-20
"Then Daniel returned to his house and explained the matter to his friends Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah. He urged them to plead for mercy from the God of heaven concerning this mystery so that he and his friends might not be executed with the rest of the wise men of Babylon. During the night the mystery was revealed to Daniel in a vision."

So Daniel's life is at stake and so are his three pals. They plead to God for mercy and answers. And God answers... just Daniel. He reveals to Daniel what was in the king's dream so that Daniel can go tell the king and save himself AND his three friends. Can you just imagine how nervous those three guys were? Knowing that Daniel was about to go say to the king, "Hey I think I know what your dream was about." What if he had been wrong? Toast. For all of them.

I know what I would have said. "Hey Daniel, why don't you run that by me before you go talk to the king. I'll ask God to affirm that that's what he told you and THEN you can go make sure we don't get murdered."

And here's what Beth Moore says about all this in her Daniel Bible study:

"I want you to imagine being one of the three who didn't receive (the revelation). Their place was critical. It was on their knees. At the same time, they had to trust that God had given a clear answer that concerned their very lives to someone else. Trusting someone else's relationship with God to the degree that you'd receive a vital message through Him is challenging.

Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah not only had to trust God; they had to trust Daniel as having heard from Him. Few of our lives have been at stake, but most of us have been in positions where we had to trust God's message to someone else that also concerned us (a spouse, boss pastor, or trusted friend to name a few.

I remember not long ago when I confessed to God that I didn't know whether I could trust ____ to hear from Him in a matter that greatly affected me. He seemed to respond to my heart, 'Can you trust me with ____?' Do you need to fill in those blanks with an invisible name? If so, do it. "

*******************************************************************************

Oh, Beth. Must you point out my control freak ways?

Do people like me??? Really like me????

2008-08-11T18:02:00.001-04:00

I just stole this off of Erica's blog. It's a quote she heard.

"It's impossible to want people to love me and to love Christ - that's not the goal or how it works."

Wow. And that just gets rid of so much pressure too.

Doubt and Fear, Fear and Doubt

2008-08-07T14:59:00.000-04:00

I'm struggling with doubts that the God of the universe is capable of fixing the messes in my life and of providing the answers that He has promised. I mistakenly doubt that He can relieve pain and restore me even though he has so many times before.

And then I read this story in the book of Matthew where Jesus has just finished feeding two separate groups of people miraculously. He fed the 5000 with five loaves of bread and then soon after he fed the 4000 with seven loaves of bread. And the disciples thought Jesus was ticked at them because they forgot the bread at this shindig.

Matthew 16:5-12
When they went across the lake, the disciples forgot to take bread. "Be careful," Jesus said to them. "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
They discussed this among themselves and said, "It is because we didn't bring any bread."
Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Suddenly I realized that even though God has performed amazing miracles in my life, even though he has proved Himself beyond worthy of any trust I ever bestow on Him, I still choose not to believe that he will provide in whatever situation I am currently in. I have a spiritual amnesia that refuses to acknowledge the miracles that have been worked in my life. Remember that pain and how God healed it? Remember those prayers that were answered in ways that were perfect but in ways that I never would have chosen for them to be answered?

My inner voice: "NO. That was then. This is now. What's going to fix THIS situation?"

What Jesus has the right to say: "Brat."

What Jesus does say: "I love you. I'm here but you've gotta trust."

My inner voice: (begrudgingly) "O...K......"

Song of the Day

2008-08-07T09:39:00.000-04:00

"Less Like Scars"- by Sara Groves

It's been a hard year

But I'm climbing out of the rubble

These lessons are hard

Healing changes are subtle

But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building

Less like captive, more like willing

Less like breakdown, more like surrender

Less like haunting, more like remember

Chorus:

And I feel You here And You're picking up the pieces

Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation

But You are able

And in Your hands the pain and hurt

Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room

It's less like a casket, more like a womb

Less like dying, more like transcending

Less like fear, less like an ending

Chorus

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope

I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing

Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping

You would come

And I need You And I want You here And I feel You

Chorus

**********************************************

Wow. He will pick up the pieces and in His hands my fears, doubts and hurt goes from dying to transcending. But only if I commit my life and my situations to His hands. Otherwise, I am "dying" and "fearing" in my prison. The prison of my self pity.

That sounds gross. Who wants to be in a prison of their own self pity? Well, most of the time that's what I choose by not choosing Him.

Here's to making better choices.

I thought this would only take six steps...

2008-08-06T16:52:00.000-04:00

So I've been hosting a Bible study for some lady friends (yes, lady friends) and the book we have been looking at is called "6 Steps to Clarifying Your Calling". Sounds easy enough right?

Imagine my surprise when at the END of the book, the END of the six week study, we get to the following paragraph:

".... finding our calling and purpose is a lifelong adventure. It only makes sense that our Creator would design people who can grow into His plan for their lives as they say yes to the opportunities he puts in their paths that coincide with their giftedness and with His kingdom work. It's a matter of listening to Him and acting on His leading."

I'm sorry, what? I paid $6.79 for a book that would tell me WHAT MY CALLING IS. Blarg.

The verse that has been hitting me in the face lately is Psalm 46:10:
"Be still, and know that I am God."

Sounds easy enough but... it's not. Be still. Sit still, Lauren. Don't do anything. Don't plan anything. Don't worry about anything. Just trust. Just have faith. Be STILL.

I'm working on it. Slowly but surely, it's happening.