Thursday, August 7, 2008

Doubt and Fear, Fear and Doubt

I'm struggling with doubts that the God of the universe is capable of fixing the messes in my life and of providing the answers that He has promised. I mistakenly doubt that He can relieve pain and restore me even though he has so many times before.

And then I read this story in the book of Matthew where Jesus has just finished feeding two separate groups of people miraculously. He fed the 5000 with five loaves of bread and then soon after he fed the 4000 with seven loaves of bread. And the disciples thought Jesus was ticked at them because they forgot the bread at this shindig.

Matthew 16:5-12
When they went across the lake, the disciples forgot to take bread. "Be careful," Jesus said to them. "Be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."
They discussed this among themselves and said, "It is because we didn't bring any bread."
Aware of their discussion, Jesus asked, "You of little faith, why are you talking among yourselves about having no bread? Do you still not understand? Don't you remember the five loaves for the five thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? Or the seven loaves for the four thousand, and how many basketfuls you gathered? How is it you don't understand that I was not talking to you about bread? But be on your guard against the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees."Then they understood that he was not telling them to guard against the yeast used in bread, but against the teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Suddenly I realized that even though God has performed amazing miracles in my life, even though he has proved Himself beyond worthy of any trust I ever bestow on Him, I still choose not to believe that he will provide in whatever situation I am currently in. I have a spiritual amnesia that refuses to acknowledge the miracles that have been worked in my life. Remember that pain and how God healed it? Remember those prayers that were answered in ways that were perfect but in ways that I never would have chosen for them to be answered?

My inner voice: "NO. That was then. This is now. What's going to fix THIS situation?"

What Jesus has the right to say: "Brat."

What Jesus does say: "I love you. I'm here but you've gotta trust."

My inner voice: (begrudgingly) "O...K......"

No comments: