Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Strength?

My mother told me recently that one of the difficult things about hurt is that when you are perceived to be a strong person people overestimate how easily you will be able to get through the pain.

I have to agree. I get really tired of those comments "Well, you're such a strong person.", "You'll make it through to the other side of this so strong.", "You'll be fine, honey. Just give it time.", "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." Blah. Blah. Blah.

What if I'm not a strong person? What if I am that person who screams and whines and writhes in frustration like some little brat kid? What if the other side of my pain isn't strength, glory and beauty? What if I am a blubbering idiot who can't get her act together? What if I just want to quit and move home and let my mom spoon feed me because I'm a wimp?

And what are people basing this idea of "strength" on anyway? I can't remember any remotely difficult situation in my life that I have moved through with any composure. Even when situations were not difficult and I was just going to FFA camp or something I was still...a mess.

I remember a couple of years ago, in a difficult time, I called a friend of mine in hysterics. I was about to have to do something really hard and I wanted to back out.

"I don't have the strength to do this," I cried. "I'm too weak. I'm too selfish. It's too upsetting."

And she agreed.

"You're right. You aren't strong enough. You don't have the strength to do this thing at all."

And then she quoted Galatians 2:20 to me:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

"You don't have the strength to do anything, especially this," she said. "But Christ lives in you. And He can do it. And He will. "

So I got off the phone. And did what I needed to do.

Did it suck?
Yep.

Was it easy just because "Christ lives in me"?
Absolutely not.

Was I relieved when it was over?
Not really.

But... it did get done.

I read this verse today:
My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
-2nd Corinthians 12:9

I gotta be honest. That's good for me. Really good. I feel like I am nothing but weakness the majority of the time. Like I am nothing but vulnerability.

I was created to need God. I was created to be weak on my own and to be, not codependent, completely dependent on Him who knows me and therefore knows how best I work.

And apparently, I work best in weakness.

Blarg.

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Lauren,
Hey, it's Sarah from Sight & Sound...I was on facebook, and saw your blog referenced on your page...I've starting blogging since we did the Asian tour, and I have to tell you how much I've loved reading your entries--you are a beautiful writer. I don't know any of the details of your situation, but I want you to know I've been praying for you since hearing of what happened...I know we didn't know each other really closely at S&S, but you always inspired me, and your joy and wit and compassion were always so evident...I loved this post...it's how I've felt in the midst of horrifying trials, and a little bit how I feel right now as well,completely starting my life over again in Dallas after the abrupt end of this tour. You articulated so well the way we all feel in these moments. In China, I bought a small framed pic of that very verse (His strength is made perfect in weakness) in both Chinese and English, and I've sighed and read it many times to myself in the last few days. Keep writing it all out, keep moving thru the pain, and keep leaning on those you love. Know as your friend and sister in Christ, you are in my prayers. I would love to catch up with you sometime...I'm also over on www.sarahcomley.blogspot.com (except I haven't opened my heart up enough to write since I've gotten home...) Blessings and Prayer to you dear beautiful Lauren,
Sarah

Cindy said...

hey lauren just came across this blog...i'm here an american in malaysia planting a church...just working on a sermon on a saturday afternoon..just want you to know how much your blog just blessed me today..keep the faith and writing...god bless...john