My mother told me recently that one of the difficult things about hurt is that when you are perceived to be a strong person people overestimate how easily you will be able to get through the pain.
I have to agree. I get really tired of those comments "Well, you're such a strong person.", "You'll make it through to the other side of this so strong.", "You'll be fine, honey. Just give it time.", "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger..." Blah. Blah. Blah.
What if I'm not a strong person? What if I am that person who screams and whines and writhes in frustration like some little brat kid? What if the other side of my pain isn't strength, glory and beauty? What if I am a blubbering idiot who can't get her act together? What if I just want to quit and move home and let my mom spoon feed me because I'm a wimp?
And what are people basing this idea of "strength" on anyway? I can't remember any remotely difficult situation in my life that I have moved through with any composure. Even when situations were not difficult and I was just going to FFA camp or something I was still...a mess.
I remember a couple of years ago, in a difficult time, I called a friend of mine in hysterics. I was about to have to do something really hard and I wanted to back out.
"I don't have the strength to do this," I cried. "I'm too weak. I'm too selfish. It's too upsetting."
And she agreed.
"You're right. You aren't strong enough. You don't have the strength to do this thing at all."
And then she quoted Galatians 2:20 to me:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
"You don't have the strength to do anything, especially this," she said. "But Christ lives in you. And He can do it. And He will. "
So I got off the phone. And did what I needed to do.
Did it suck?
Was it easy just because "Christ lives in me"?
Was I relieved when it was over?
But... it did get done.
I read this verse today:
My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.
-2nd Corinthians 12:9
I gotta be honest. That's good for me. Really good. I feel like I am nothing but weakness the majority of the time. Like I am nothing but vulnerability.
I was created to need God. I was created to be weak on my own and to be, not codependent, completely dependent on Him who knows me and therefore knows how best I work.
And apparently, I work best in weakness.